The Myriad That Is Me

What Happened to Our Movement?

2012-02-10T04:02:00.000-08:00

If you follow black media, then you are aware of CNN contributor Roland Martin's suspension for his tweets during the Superbowl. This post isn't about that. This post is about a series of tweets that Demetria Lucas, contributor for Essence Magazine, sent yesterday afternoon.

Here they are:
@abelleinbk "Black folk complain and get an eye roll. Glaad complains and ish gets changed... swiftly. That's power."

@belleinbk "And I straight up HATE that after 100+ years, the NAACP doesn't have the power of GLAAD."

Well, damn. That says a lot doesn't it. And let's be honest, it's true. But why is it true? That is the part that I have trouble wrapping my head around. Historically, we've been able to unite and change the course of history. But what happened? This is my take on the situation:

You can't bring an 8-track to an MP3 situation. The days of marching have passed. I mean it. They have gone the way of the dinosaur... extinct. Because what does a march accomplish? Nothing. It is a show of force without any real power behind it. If you want to evoke change, organize a economic boycott, a "sit-in" at a council meeting, a shut down the poll event. Things that actually matter and where support is measurable. Utilize facebook and twitter to spread the word. Make sure your public relations team effectively communicates your message and your MEASURABLE goals. Position your ARTICULATE spokesperson in front of the cameras to share your message with the media. Make sure your organization has free tshirt that share your message. Sounds simple doesn't it? But these small changes move your organization from complainers to world changers.

Old school has to stop telling new school that we dropped the ball. Several years ago I attended a community workshop on organizing for change. It was put on by a prestigious African-American organization and I went full of excitement about getting action steps for change. I left the meeting quite angry. Why? Because those in power - who were part of the civil rights movement - keep talking about how the younger generation had dropped the ball. I really don't see it that way. I see it as we dropped the baton. In a relay race, the baton has to be passed smoothly so that the next runner can take over and run their part of the race. So we may have dropped the baton but we had help. The baton pass was faulty. That doesn't mean that the race is over, but it does mean that we need to work together to understand the gifts that all generations bring to the table. There is wisdom and history that needs to be gathered from the older members of our community. The younger generation has passion and energy. Gifts of both generations have to be appreciated and utilized for organizations to be effective.

We have to move from reactionary to visionary. Stop being reactionary. Any NFL coach will tell you that the best defense is a strong offense. Plan for the future. We have to change our focus. The presidential election is important, but your council, school board, state legislature is just as important. We can't rally every 4 years and expect the world to change. We have to think about long-term goals. Do you want better schools? Then attend a PTA meeting, a school board meeting, a state senate education committee meeting. That is where the decisions are being made that effect our children. After legislation has passed is no time to fuss. It's too late then. We have to stop bills and policies from passing.

You have to know your role in the organization. Everyone can't be Dr. King. Someone has to work the phone tree, twitter account, create flyers, provide rides to the polls, etc. Everyone can't be the face of the movement. So move vanity out of the way. Know your role and play it well. Just because you can "stir up the spirit" praying at church doesn't mean that you should be the spokesperson for the organization. This is a soundbite generation. Concise, articulate language is needed to convey your message. (Trust me on this one. It's what I do for a day job.)

Take your children along as you change the world. Remember the baton analogy? You have to train the next generations to take up the baton. You have to teach them how to fight for justice. You have to teach them about the government and how to petition the government for change. So take them along with you. Involve them in the process. (As long as it is safe, of course.)

Finally, support the cause - financially. Organizations that have become too top heavy need to trim the fat. You can't expect the community to support an organization if your CEO is "ballin.'" There will be a disconnect between the public and the organization. Organizations also need to lower their membership fees to bring more people into the fold. Joining an organization should feel inclusive not elitist. But the community needs to do our part as well. We have to skip a hair appointment or a happy hour and spend the money supporting organizations that support us. If you can spend $$$ on the Watch the Throne concert tour, then you can spend $$$ on watching our community change for the better, right?

So here are a few action steps. What are your thoughts? Better yet, what are your steps? Because if all keep making steps, we will finally get to our destination.

#MarriagePrayer 2/9/12

2012-02-09T04:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just need to lift your voice and say "Use me Father." Today is that day.

Attitude of Gratitude

2012-02-09T03:40:00.000-08:00

When the editors of BlackLoveandMarriage.com asked me to write a piece on gratitude, I immediately thought about my marriage and being grateful for still being married to my husband. I mean that is what I normally write about and it seems to fit the theme of Black love and MARRIAGE, right? But while I am grateful for my marriage, my family, my job, and continuing personal growth; I am also very grateful for my health.

Huh? What? I am grateful for my health. I've had 7 surgeries in 12 years. Yep, you read that right. Seven. And that's just the surgeries. I've made repeat extended stay visits to the hospital in-between those surgeries. It's pretty bad. Actually it's so bad that my 2011 New Year's resolution was to stay out of the hospital. Unfortunately I was admitted to the hospital for 4 days on 1/2/11. That's the kind of chronic, reoccurring illness that I have.

Anyone with a chronic illness knows that treating it is tough. It's a constant battle. But diagnosing it is even harder. I spent years in and out of doctor's offices trying to figure out why I was in so much pain. Years of misdiagnosing. Years of functioning through the pain. Years of wondering if I was actually crazy. I visited so many doctors that I keep a list of surgeries and medications typed up and would fax/email my information to them in advanced because I was so tired for repeating myself. I would watch medical mysteries and "House MD" and pray that some doctor would help me the same way.

So if I have medical issues how can I be thankful for health? Easy. I had my "House MD" moment. And while the problem is recurring at least I know what I am dealing with. I've learned how to manage it. I've learned how to call a time out when I am feeling bad so that I am down for just 1-2 days instead of weeks.

So what exactly am I grateful for? Each time I went into the hospital, I got to come home at the end of my stay. Some folks can't say that. Some folks moved to the morgue, but I didn't. Each time I have been ill, my friends and family have gathered to take care of me and my children. Other people can't say that, but I can. While my job may complain about the amount of time that I've been off from work, they have always preserved my job for me. Some people can't say that, but I can. My good days out number my bad. Some people can't say that, but I can.

While some people can say that their health is perfect, I can't say that. But what I can say is that I am grateful for the health that I do have.

#MarriagePrayer 2/8/12

2012-02-08T03:56:00.000-08:00

"Father, today I come to You with a strange request. Father, bless my enemies. Bless those that have done me harm in the past & try to do me harm in the future. Jesus, always be a fence around me & protect me from any attacks that they may try to lodge at me. But while You are protecting me, work on me. Soften my heart. Let me see them as You do. Let me forgive them without prejudice. Erase all malice from my heart. If You see fit, use me to bless my enemy. Father, I know that it won't be easy to work on forgiveness, but I know that forgiveness frees not only my enemy but it frees me. It frees me to do Your will. So Jesus, help me to walk Your way. I love YOU & thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 2/7/12

2012-02-07T04:58:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank You for today. Thank You for another chance to get it right. Thank YOU for the gift of children. Father, let us remember that they are watching everything that we do. Jesus, please help us live a life of righteousness so that our children see Your will done through us. Father, help us to correct our children in love. Let our children know while we are their parents, YOU are their father. Father, thank YOU for this wonderful gift. Thank YOU for choosing us to not only be kingdom builders but legacy builders. Jesus, we love YOU and thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 2/6/12

2012-02-06T04:14:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank YOU for removing things in me that are hindering my marriage. Thank YOU for talking to me & telling me that I have to change. Thank You for not giving up on me. Father, help me to grow not only closer to YOU but more like YOU. Jesus, please keep Your hand on me. Help me grow into the person YOU want me to be & that my husband & family need me to be. Let me keep looking forward & not return to old ways just because it's comfortable. I know that the blessings that await me are greater than any comfort I have from holding onto old things. Father, I trust YOU. I love YOU. And I thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

Loc Lessons

2012-02-04T07:32:00.001-08:00

Over the past three weeks I have been immersed in a huge project - I've taken down my dreadlocks. Yep, you read that right. I've taken down my dreadlocks. Not cut my dreadlocks. Not shaved my head. But taken down my dreadlocks. (Yes, it can be done. Google it if you don't believe me.) And me being me, I look for the lessons in everything and this project gave me a lot to think about.

One of the lessons is that you can't rush the job. Almost 7 years ago my hairdresser loc'd my hair. Piece by piece. Roll by roll. She put care into locking my hair. And 7 years later it had to be taken down the same way. Piece by piece.. hair by hair. There was no rushing the process. There was no going around the process. And there were no short cuts. To achieve my desired result I had to put in work. Lots of work. More work than I ever imagined. There weren't any fastpasses to finishing. This theme has been reflected in my life over and over again. From personal growth to marriage restoration, there isn't an easy button to get to the finish line. You have to put in the time and the work to get there.

Another lesson I learned was setbacks happen. I had a plan. I had a good plan to get my locs out by the time a family event rolled around. I was confident in my plan then - BAM! - my plan was changed because of external factors. I threw a fit. Well, let me be totally transparent, I threw several fits. But when it came down to it, I could either stay in place and kick and holler, or I could get back to working a new and improved plan. In the end, the new and improved plan worked out. My life isn't exactly where I want it right now. Ya'll know that I've had some setbacks! But a new plan is in place. And I intend to work the plan until I achieve all of my goals.

I also had to learn to ask for help. The last piece that I wrote was about how I can do it all. I can wear the Superwoman cape, work a corporate job, and raise some kids. I was singing Chaka Khan - "I'm everywoman, it's all in me" - at the top of my lungs. And I was exhausted doing it. When my personal deadline was menacingly staring me in the face, I realized one thing - either I ask for help or I miss the mark. I opened my mouth and asked for help. I didn't just get help. I got love. I received so much help,concern,and time from my sister circle. They came and stayed all hours of the night to help me achieve a goal. I've known that my sistercircle was tight but I was amazed and so filled by the love they showed me. And I realize that these same sisters - and more - will have my back in future endeavors, just like I will always have theirs.

I realized that everything can't go into the future with you. To move forward with a major change you have to cut off some dead ends. I had 7 years worth of hair on my head and my ends were raggedy. I had to cut off the dead ends. Obvious metaphor here, right? To move forward in life, I have to leave some dead things behind me. Everything can't go with me into the next phase of life. I have to leave some baggage in the past and let it stay there.

Finally, I have to get to know the new me. Loc'd hair was resistant to rain and humidity. Free natural hair takes time and care. Little things like owning a shower cap or a wrap cap (sistas, you feel me right?) had been missing from my daily routine for years. I have to get to know the new me. I have to spend time with the new me. And I have to treat the new hairdo totally different than the old one. The new Neysa can't act like the old Neysa. I can't expect new things while doing the old stuff I used to do. I have to govern myself with a new set of rules, by a higher standard.

So those were my lessons learned from the seemingly simple act of taking down my locs. It's funny, the old me would have thought I was just changing my hair style, but the new me knows that I am changing my life.

#MarriagePrayer 2/2/12

2012-02-02T04:38:00.000-08:00

"Jesus, thank You for growth. Thank You for growth. Thank You for growth. Thank You for growth. Thank You for growth. Thank YOU for all of the lessons both painful & sweet. Thank YOU for growth. Thank YOU for trusting me & believing in me. Thank You for growth. Thank YOU for being the focus of our covenant. Thank You for growth. Thank You for growth. And I thank YOU in advance for the lessons to come. Thank You for taking my marriage to higher levels in YOU. Thank YOU for taking me and my spouse - individually - to higher levels in you. Thank YOU for growth to come. I love YOU and thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 2/1/12

2012-02-01T04:14:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank You for making my spouse exactly who I need him to be. There are times when I wish that he was more like me & but thank YOU for being divine & giving him gifts that are different from my gifts. Thank You for his gifts and talent. Father, help me to appreciate his gifts and encourage him when he uses his gifts. Jesus, thank YOU for the balance that he brings to my life. Father, I love You and thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

Are You a Married "Single Parent"?

2012-01-31T04:27:00.000-08:00

I'm a bad b*tch. I really am. I can work all day, come home, take care of the kids, put dinner on the table, fold some laundry, write a blog post, make love to my husband and make it all look easy. That's on Monday. On Tuesday, I am doing it all over again. By Wednesday, I am tired and by Sunday, I'm a bit cranky. Why? Because while I can do it all (and make it look easy), I shouldn't have to. And neither should you. You should not be a married "single parent."

Did you notice that I did not write "single mother?" I purposefully wrote single parent because either gender can mentally check out of a marriage/family. I've even devised a little test to help you figure out if you have checked out of your family life:
1. Can you name all of your child's teachers?
2. Can you put away the laundry in your home? Do you know where everything goes?
3. When something goes wrong in your household, do the kids walk past you and go searching for your spouse to fix it?
4. Do you abdicate responsibility and leave it up to your spouse to make the big decisions?
5. Is your word your bond? Does your family believe that you are going to do what you say you are going to do?

So how did you score? Are you the overachieving parent or the slacker parent? See there are problems with both. The "married single parent" feels as if they have no help and they have to do it all. This parent juggles entirely too much and is probably worn out. They are no longer serving their family in love. They are serving their family but totally pissed about not getting any help. But the reality is, they created this monster. The "married single parent" never asked for any help in the beginning so years later the slacker spouse has no idea where they fit in. The "married single parent" thinks that "if I don't do it, it will never get done."

The "slacker parent" doesn't know how to jump into the family life again. They don't want to do something wrong so it is easier to just stay out of it. The slacker parent tried to jump into the fray but got shot down when they didn't do it the way the other parent did.

Do either of these parents sound familiar? So now what? How can they both turn into effective co-parents? Simple answer: the married single parent has to loosen the reins and give the slacker parent freedom to fail. The slacker parent has to assert themselves and complete tasks. That's the simple answer. But what does that actually look like?

Tips for the Married Single Parent:
1. Open your mouth. Share your to-do list with your spouse.
2. Give your spouse room to fail. If they make a mistake, don't rub their nose in it.
3. Let them do things their way. Who cares if they fold towels in squares instead of rectangles? Let them do it their way. Bottom line is it's getting done.

Tips for the Slacker Parent:
1. Complete a task. Complete a task, any task. Boost your self-confidence by completing something on your to-do list.
2. Ask for help, guidance if you need it. If you haven't been involved in a while, it's ok to ask for help. But remember you are asking for help, not asking for your spouse to take over.
3. Make your word your bond. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Your spouse learns to trust you to help by the things that you do, not the things that you say you are going to do.

Bottom line: There is always going to be an ebb and flow to marriage and co-parenting. Sometimes you will do more, others your spouse will. But if you work to make sure that the tide doesn't always flow one way, then you can go from a "married single parent" to an "effective co-parent."

#MarriagePrayer 1/31/12

2012-01-31T04:21:00.000-08:00

"Father, it seems as if attacks on our marriage or us as individuals come almost daily. I refuse to focus on the attack but instead will turn my eyes to the hills because I know that YOU are there moving divinely on my behalf. I thank YOU for always working it out. Jesus, help us to not just endure but to thrive. Help us to not just survive but to live abundantly. Father, thank YOU for YOUR provision and care. I love YOU and thank YOU! Amen. Amen."

Middle of the Night Musings

2012-01-30T05:00:00.000-08:00

On those romantic comedy movies, when a person wakes up in the middle of the night, they roll over and start kissing their mate until they wake up. That is immediately followed by amazing sex. Ummmm, does that happen? Honestly, sometimes but other times here is what your wife is thinking when she wakes up in the middle of the night...

1. Who stole all of the covers?

2. What's that smell?

3. I wonder what would happen if I did ....?

4. I wonder if he will wake up if I rub it?

5. I should move the laundry around.

6. Is it wrong to masturbate while he is sleep?

7. I am hungry.

8. Is it wrong to poot in the bed if he is sleep?

9. I want someone to talk to. If I pinch him maybe he will wake up on his own and talk to me.

10. I'm still sleepy.

#MarriagePrayer 1/30/12

2012-01-30T04:37:00.000-08:00

Father, give us strength as we continue on this journey - as we keep walking in covenant with you. Help ease our communication with our spouse. Father, let the words be said & received surrounded with kindness. Let us be safe enough w/in our marriages to ask for what we need from the other w/out judgement. Father, help us to be open to our spouse's requests. Help us to respond to their communication style with love. Father, help us to listen to YOU so that we may respond to our mates. I love you! I thank YOU! Amen. Amen."

Major Renovation

2012-01-30T04:19:00.000-08:00

I am working on a major self-renovation. I know that the time has come to self-renovate because it's all that is on my mind. I'm kind of obsessed with it. And that is how I am. I tinker with the idea of renovation for weeks, sometimes months. But when I finally make up my mind - BAM! It's a done deal.

I was that way with my many tattoos. I was that way the time I shaved my head. I was that way when I went blonde (those where my Beyonce years!) I was that way when I loc'd my hair. I mull it over but when I know that it is time to act; I act with in 24-48 hours. And that is what I did this time. But there is one problem that I didn't expect: This self renovation will take more than 24 hours to complete.

All of my previous self-renovations provided a bit of instant gratification. But this time the self-renovation project is much bigger. (Ok, I know by now you are dying to know what it is. I'm not gonna tell you. Sorry.) And a project this size takes time and patience. I am not the best at either one. So maybe this self-reno project is more than just a minor change - maybe this one is a major step forward. I've committed myself to the process and am interested to see what happens next. Aren't you?

#MarriagePrayer 1/27/12

2012-01-27T03:48:00.000-08:00

"Jesus, I'm really kinda mad this morning. Please deal with me & my temper. I really hate repeating myself when making requests of people. And when they let me down, I get angry. But then I have to step back and realize that You make requests of me everyday & I let YOU down repeatedly. I am truly sorry for that. Thank YOU for not getting as angry with me as I get with those that let me down. Please teach me to give them the same forgiveness that You extend to me. Let my anger dissipate as I release this prayer to YOU. I love YOU and Thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 1/26/12

2012-01-26T04:15:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank YOU for today. Thank YOU for growth - even painful growth. Father, I know that I am not what I need to be yet, but I am so thankful that You are patient w/me. As I look back over my life, I can see how far You've brought me. I may not have enjoyed the process but I am thankful for the growth. James 1: 2-4 states:
' Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.'

I know that the testing of my faith has been hard, and there are times when I still fail the test. But thank YOU for offering retests until i get it right. Jesus, I am so thankful for YOUR patience and mercy. Amen. Amen."

Thoughts on My Anniversary

2012-01-25T17:50:00.000-08:00

Last week my husband and I celebrated our wedding anniversary... well, celebrating wasn't the right term since I spent the evening in the MinuteClinic seeking help for a fever and sinus infection.. but he sent flowers therefore the term stands. I guess technically we celebrated the anniversary of our wedding. But we celebrated so much more. We celebrated our love. We celebrated tested love. We celebrated growth. We celebrated the choice to love. We celebrated our commitment to love, each other, and our family.

While we marked the occasion with Vick's Vapor Rub and prescription meds, the fact that we still share the same bed, the same house, the same last name was enough of a celebration. I'm not going to recap the past few years but the fact that we are still together is not because we are without fault, but because we have found ways to love each other despite our faults.

And I love him. I actually love him more today than I did on my wedding day. We've both grown so much and I have to admit that the man that I met went on that first date with is totally different than the man that I married. And the man that I married is not the same man that lies beside me at night. I catch glimpses of those men from time to time but the man that I love is a new person. And I'm a different woman. I am not that 19 year old girl who was giddy at the sight of this cute boy walking across campus. I am now a mid-thirties woman who is ecstatic at the sight of this handsome man reaching for me. And I am ok with that...

See I now realize that married life is not some cute "happily ever after" tome. No, married life is a white water rafting ride. Sometimes you have level 3 rapids. Other times you have level 1 bumps. Sometimes the water gets so rough that you get tossed out of the boat. But we've made the commitment to keep trying to get back in the boat and see the ride through until the end.

That commitment is what we celebrated last week when we marked the day called "Our Anniversary."

Spare the Rod

2012-01-25T04:42:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 13:24
"Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them."

Most parents have heard the phrase "spare the rod, spoil the child." Many of us use the phrase as a justification for us spanking/whooping/beating our children. But have we ever read the entire verse in the Bible? The word that sticks out to me is "careful." We have to be "careful to discipline them." I think that care is something that is lost on most parents.

Think about it: you were trained for your job, you were trained to drive your car, but what did you do to train for becoming a parent. If you are like most folks that I know, that "training" involved a good time and a messed up form of birth control. Or if you were really advanced you attended a childbirth class. That's great for getting a little person into the world but then what? Have you trained to handle a toddler? Have you trained to deal with a middle schooler? What about training to deal with a college student? Most folks would answer "no." And that's a problem.

The mere ability to reproduce does not make a person a good parent. Just because your mama was a good mama, doesn't mean you will be a good parent. Being a good parent is innate in some folks. But what about the rest of the folks? Are they actively seeking training to become better parents?

I readily admit that I am not Dr. Spock or a child psychologist. But I am a scholar (normally, I am called a nerd). I believe in researching and trying different techniques to effectively parent my children. From reading articles on the web to checking out books at the library to talking to youth workers; I surround myself and my children with information to help us communicate better. Why? Because I love my children and want to be careful with the precious gifts that God has given me.

I want to make sure that nothing I say or do crushes any of their dreams. I want to make sure that they know that I love them, support them, believe in them. I want my children to come to me if they are ever in trouble. That doesn't mean that they get a pass to act a fool, but it does mean that we will deal with it and I will still love them despite their misdeeds. I love my children enough to use care with them.

So take a moment a access your parenting skills. If you have a deficit in an area, work on improving it. Seek help at churches, youth groups, schools, or grab a book from the library. Check yourself. If you can't objectively judge your own actions, take a look at how your children treat each other. What you see may shock you. When I saw how my oldest child was speaking to my youngest, I had to check my own tongue... Now I make a conscious effort to speak life to not only correct misbehavior but to praise good behavior.

So use care when disciplining your child, but make sure it comes from a place of love.

#MarriagePrayer 1/24/12

2012-01-24T04:16:00.001-08:00

"Father, thank YOU for today. This morning I just want to say that I love YOU. I thank YOU for all that YOU have done for me, my marriage, and my family. Father, I just want to take a moment to lift up Your name and say loudly that I love YOU. I love You for who YOU are and I love You for loving me. Thank You for sharing that love, grace, and mercy everyday. Help me to share those gifts with people that I encounter daily. I love You and Thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 1/23/12

2012-01-23T04:53:00.000-08:00

"Father, let me just keep it real with You today. Father, I am tired. I am physically exhausted this morning. Please be with me extra close today so that I present myself the way You want me to. Father, please watch over my child and help ease her fear of storms. Please watch over my husband during the course of his day. Father, Please keep YOUR hand on all of the children so that no harm comes to them. And Jesus, help me to prioritize Your will for my life. I feel that you have placed so many things on my heart that sometimes I run at all of them full speed and grow physically weary. Father, please tell me what order You want me to complete the tasks. God, I know that You hear my prayers and love even me. Father, I thank YOU and I love YOU. Amen. Amen."

Take a Look at Yourself

2012-01-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, this is another kick in the rear end type of post. Are you ready? Seatbelt fastened? Ok, let's go...

I want everyone to take a good look at themselves in the mirror. Seriously. Pull out a mirror and take a look at yourself. Ask yourself this one question: "If I met myself at the club, would I want to have sex with me?" I know, it's not real deep but it's real. Look at yourself. Do you like what you see? If you were out and about and saw your mirror image, would you holla' at that person? If you answered either of these questions negatively, then guess what? You have work to do.

Let's be honest if you are married or in a committed relationship for a long time there is a tendency to get comfortable. Well, "getting comfortable" isn't the correct terminology. It should be called "I am so focused on my career, my family, trying to keep this house together, pursue this advanced degree, make this money, teach this child to read, serve my community, and my spouse that I have no time for me itis." It's not that you "got comfortable." You got incredibly busy. But how does that play a part in your marriage/relationship? I'm not just talking about how your partner feels about you, but how do you feel about yourself?

I know, I know. You are thinking that your spouse should love you for you? And they should. I have witnessed my grandmother offer loving care to my terminally ill grandfather. In those final weeks, I am sure dressing up and looking "fresh" weren't anywhere on their todo list. But if you are not battling a serious ailment, then you should upgrade your look. Why? Because your spouse deserves your best.

Let's think about it for a second. If you were still on the dating scene you would take better care of yourself. Your hair would stay whipped. Your figure tight. The mani-pedi would be flawless. And it's not just the ladies that would come correct. Fellas know that before they hit the club they are Diddy-clean. Fades are lined up geometry straight. They are looking good! Sometimes the care and attention to detail start to fade after you've been with someone awhile. Speaking from personal experience, it's not that I don't want to get my nails done, but when I weigh that against braces, groceries, and the light bill my nails don't seem that important anymore. But my spouse deserves the best me that I can be. He deserves me looking my best. He deserves to have a spouse that he is proud of on his arm.

And beyond looking cute for my spouse, I deserve to be fabulous. I deserve to take time to keep myself looking nice. I deserve some "me time." When you look better, you feel better about yourself. You have more confidence. You walk taller. You put a little extra pep in your step. No, I am not saying your looks are the most important thing in your relationship. But they are part of the package.

So stop. Check yourself out in the mirror. If you see something that isn't to your liking, work on it. Sometimes you can upgrade your relationship by upgrading yourself.

#MarriagePrayer 1/19/12 & 1/20/12

2012-01-19T04:20:00.000-08:00

"Father, endow me. Endow me with whatever gift of the Holy Spirit that You want me to have. Father, take out all that is not like YOU and help me to grow and be better. Jesus, consecrate me, sanctify me, move me into whatever position that YOU want me to be in. I want to be where YOU are so that I can be a blessing and not a curse to my husband and family. Father, endow me. I say yes to Your will. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 1/18/12

2012-01-18T04:04:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank YOU for today. Thank You for Your Word. Thank You for the direction and wisdom that it gives if we seek it. Thank YOU for another chance to seek You. Father, just renew me every hour. Renew my spouse every hour. Keep the path that You want us to travel well defined. Father, I love You and Thank You. Amen. Amen."

Martin and Me...

2012-01-17T04:19:00.000-08:00

We've - I've - got to do better. As a community, we all have to do better. I know you are thinking, "isn't this a marriage blog?" Well, yes and no. I believe that strong marriages make strong families and strong families make strong communities. Today I am dealing with the strong communities portion. Here's why:

Yesterday was a wonderful MLK day in Nashville. My family and friends took part in the MLK events at Tennessee State University (my alma mater). At the convocation, Dr. Steve Perry got in our asses. Literally. He laid out the Tennessee education system and called us all co-conspirators. And guess what? He's right. Everyday I sit here with my pompous, M.Ed.-having tail and think "Well, my kids are ok because they are smart and they know I value education." While that is partially true, Dr. Steve Perry reminded the audience that the best Tennessee kids are just the best scholars of the worst education system in America. And that just isn't good enough. We've - I've - got to do better.

After Dr. Perry verbally kicked my butt, I took my bruised posterior over to Vanderbilt University to hear Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) speak about the "beloved community." He implored us all to be active, to take a stand for right in our community. To be champions of a cause. To write our congressfolks and let them know what we think about what they are doing. To vote. We've - I've - got to do better.

So instead of telling you what YOU should do, I am going to tell you what I am going to do. I have to be the change that I want to see in the world, right?:

1. I am going to speak to people and smile more. That is so major for me. I type and I ponder. But actually smiling and speaking is something that I am definitely working on.
2. I am going to a school board meeting, not as a journalist, but to have my voice heard as a community stakeholder. I need to know how the decision making process for my school system works and then I need to work the system.
3. I am going to attend a neighborhood meeting and join a committee. Attending a meeting and complaining about stuff isn't productive. It's time for committee work.
4. I am going to forgive folks that I don't like. It's easy to be nice to and forgive folks I love, but folks I don't like - well, I struggle in that area. But I am going to forgive and speak nice to those that have offended me.
5. I am going to be more present when with my family. No more checking work email, looking for a job, writing the next post while talking with my family. They deserve my undivided attention.

See 5 little steps. I know you are looking at the list and thinking "You really entitled this 'Martin and me' and that is all that you are doing?" And my answer is "YES!" See I can't advocate for change anywhere if my own little piece of the planet is jacked up. So I am starting at my house. I am going to make sure that the lessons learned on MLK day aren't forgotten a mere 24 hours later. I'm starting with me.

#MarriagePrayer 1/17/12

2012-01-17T04:01:00.000-08:00

"Father, let all of the passions be lit anew this morning. Yesterday, many of us listened to speeches and heard people talk about the beloved community. Let's take it one step further and say 'Your Kingdom Come.' Today let me be a better ambassador for Your kingdom. Let me fix my attitude, my words, & my life so that I am a better ambassador for YOU. Jesus, I know that You are love so let me love more. Let me speak kinder, let me love harder, let me forgive completely. Father, I love YOU and thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 1/16/12

2012-01-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

Father, I just want to thank You for change. Thank You for changing me. Thank You for changing my marriage. Thank You for changing hearts and minds. But thank YOU for being unchanging. Father, I am so thankful that YOU love me the same everyday. Father, I know that strong families are the backbones of strong communities and that by uniting with others that love YOU we can impact our communities. With Your guidance we can change our communities for the better and become kingdom builders. Father help us to be about Your work. We love YOU and thank YOU! Amen!

#MarriagePrayer 1/13/12

2012-01-13T04:08:00.000-08:00

"Father, Thank YOU for my spouse. Thank You for designing him directly for me. Father, please lift him up. Keep him safe from all harm. Father, give him wisdom so that the decision he makes regarding our household be rooted in Your will. Amplify his hard work so that his work is not in vain. Wrap him in Your love so that he never feels alone. Father, just help him be all that YOU have called him to be. I love You and I thank YOU. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 1/12/12

2012-01-12T04:31:00.000-08:00

Every now and again I write the #marriageprayer, and it just doesn't speak to my spirit. When that happens, I scrap it and start again. Today is one of those times. I wrote and published the #marriageprayer and had to erase it and start over because God had something else for me to say.

"Father, In Joel 2: 21-27 Your Word speaks about how after trials You will restore all that had been taken. God, You know that the past 10 years of marriage have been difficult. It has been attacked by illness and infidelity and financial woes. God, I am believing YOUR Word and it states You will restore the years the locust have eaten. You will have our threshing floor overflow with grain. You will bless us and turn every situation around. And because of all that we have been through, because of who You are, we will never forget to give YOU the glory. Because it was YOU who guided us through the storms and it is YOU who keeps us through the trials that come. I love YOU and thank YOU. Amen!"

The Power of God

2012-01-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

Quite often we hear about the love of God, the forgiveness of God, the mercy of God, But a friend recently pointed out to me that we like to forget about the wrath of God. What? Gasp? What do you mean? God doesn't love us? Of course God loves us. He created us. But we have to be aware of the wrath of God that comes to correct us and punish us when we do wrong. Why do we forget about this? I think it is because we don't like to be corrected. Psalm 7:11 states that "God is a righteous judge, a God who displays his wrath every day." Yep, everyday. God will correct you when you are wrong. Ephesians 5:6 says, "Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient." How do I know? Because I have been corrected many times over. (Yes, I am a bit hardheaded!)

But beyond correction, God is there to fight for us. Yes, I said it, fight for us. Psalm 3:6-8 reads "6 I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side. 7 Arise, LORD! Deliver me, my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked. 8 From the LORD comes deliverance." Now make sure you read that again. It didn't say "help the Lord kick the butt of your enemies." The psalmist cried out to God and God stepped in to deal with the enemy. Remember, only God can decide the measure of punishment to be given out. Romans 12:19 states, "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord."

Pray for forgiveness and that you never has to experience God's wrath. But know that if you repent and turn away for wicked behavior, our Father will welcome you back into the fold.

#MarriagePrayer 1/11/12

2012-01-11T03:49:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank You for this rainy day. Thank You for sending reminders of how You work. I really don't like the rain but I understand that we have to have rain now to have a green spring. And You work like that in our lives. There are times that we have to endure the rain/hard times because it will bear fruit/blessings later on. So I thank You for Your order, will, and plan. Thank You for times that I don't know what YOU are doing but I have to rely on faith, trust, and obedience. Thank You for Your divine hand on my life. I love YOU and thank YOU! Amen! Amen!"

#MarriagePrayer 1/10/12

2012-01-10T03:49:00.000-08:00

"Father, I just want to thank You for You today. Father, thank You for being forgiving, merciful, patient, and just. Thank You for correcting me and dealing with me. I might not always like it while You are working on me, but I know that when I look back I can see how You used fire to purge me. Thank You for teaching me. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for always welcoming me back after I make a mistake. I love You and bless You! Amen. Amen."

Falling Down and Getting Up - Again

2012-01-09T19:24:00.000-08:00

It's funny how God will slap you upside the head when you least expect it. Let's be honest - recently I haven't been passing the test. If you are a frequent reader of this site, you know that some recent comments on posts I've written have been... well, let's just say unpleasant. And I didn't handle it well. I was mad. (I would actually write I was f-ing p***** but the Ma'at's have a no cussing policy.) It wasn't so much the comments that were flying at me. I'm used to that. I am the one that put my life on blast by writing about it and I recognize that people are allowed to have different opinions. But it was the level of malice with the false air of familiarity that got under my skin. So much so that I had to pause for a second and regroup.

By regrouping; I mean I had to pause, shut up, and really remember how God has blessed me. See 5 years ago, I was a mess. (Truth be told, I'm still a mess but just a bit less of a mess.) Then my world crumbled when my marriage did. And I behaved badly. For years I was a functioning angeraholic. I literally cussed out more people than I could count. I wrote nasty emails. At one point I even threw punches. I was raging out of control. But I was hard headed. Until one day it all came crashing down.

I actually know the exact date of my road to Damascus moment. My husband had been caught cheating - again. My health was failing. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. That night before I went to bed, I literally cried out to God, "Help me or don't wake me up because I can't do this anymore." I went to sleep and woke up lighter. Pastors always say "joy comes in the morning" but I never believed it until it happened to me. Nothing about my situation had changed, but I had changed. God gave me hope. Not hope in my marriage but hope in Him. And as long as I had faith in Him and was hearing from Him, everything else was manageable. I knew that God would take care of me whether my husband left or not. I knew that God would take care of me as long as I obeyed Him. My prayer was no longer "God please save my marriage." It became "Your will be done." That shift in spirit and mindset made all the difference.

So fast forward a few years and I can admit that I handled the comments poorly. I led with anger. In the book The Bait of Satan, John Bevere writes that "just because you are mistreated, you do not have permission to hold on to an offense." That is what I immediately did. I got angry and held onto the offense. Like everyone who tries to stay on the good foot, I trip from time to time. Donnie McClurkin even wrote a song about it. But now I know that if I fall down; it's time to stay down, get on my knees, and pray. That's what I have to do to keep myself on the right path. The more that I keep myself on the path, the better person I am which in turn means that I am a better wife and mother.

This is what I try to convey at 7am CST every Monday through Friday with the #marriageprayer on twitter. I try to remind myself to start the day on the right path. I start the day thanking God not only for who He is but for all that He's done in my life. Saving my marriage is awesome. But that's just icing on the cake. I am most thankful that He not only saved me but continues to save me daily.

Trust

2012-01-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

Trust. Have you ever stopped to think about how important trust is to your marriage? In my opinion trust is second most important attribute in a covenant. (The first is love of course.) But trust is the thing that most people take for granted. You never really worry about when to say "I trust you" the way we agonize over when to say "I love you." You can't think back to the moment when you first realized that you trusted your spouse, can you? But I bet you can remember the moment you realized that you loved them, right? See that's my point.. while trust is the 2nd most important thing to marriage, it's the thing that we seem to overlook. Why? Because you will trust your spouse until they have been proven to be untrustworthy.

And when that happens, everything shifts. The covenant is cracked and everything is questioned. So how do you get back from that point of mistrust? It is slow hard, meticulous work. How long it takes to regain trust is directly related to the of the infraction. Period. There isn't a magic trust wand that you can wave to erase the hurt caused by a misdeed. You have to regain and rebuild trust. Did you notice those two words? Regain and rebuild. And those are two different words. Regain means that you have to stop whatever behavior that you were engaged in that caused the trust to be lost. You have to start living with integrity. Your word has to be your bond. Rebuild means that you have to use emotional brick and mortar to reconstruct your marriage. Your marriage will never be the way it was before the infraction. Ever. Stop trying to get that back because it's gone. But you can rebuild the marriage with a new model. Think about it. If a tornado leveled your house you could build it back, but you would probably build it better than it was before, right? The same can be said of marriage. It has to be better. And it takes time to get to better. Lots of time. And that means that it takes lots of patience to get to better - to get back to trusting again.

#MarriagePrayer 01/09/12

2012-01-08T20:21:00.001-08:00

"Father, help me be a better me. Help me be exactly who You want me to be. Help me to see the role You want me to play in kingdom building. God, please deal with my temper. Please deal with my wrong attitude. Let me always keep focused on You and nothing else. Amen."

Shut the Hell Up - well, maybe not

2012-01-08T05:16:00.000-08:00

Actually, the title could be the entire post. But I guess I will elaborate. I am a writer. I write MY truth. And there are people who seemed hell bent on hating what I do. I get it. You are friends of hers. You don't like me. Or you are friends of the enemy and don't like kingdom building. Or you are just a hater and as Katt Williams says "Haters are going to hate. That's what they do." Whatever category you fall into, fine. Play your role. Do you. But watch me do me - and my family - well.

See, your comments while annoying don't change my position on anything. At all. Why? Because you are not in my home and you are not my God. I listen to my God, my fam, and my prayer circle. That's all. The end. Was your name on the list? I don't think so. So you are a spectator to this testimony, but not a participant.

If you are oh-so-concerned where were you a few years back? Before I learned to lean on the Lord. When I was really going through? Where you there? Nope. You are only here to make noise now. So you know what? Don't shut up. Be noisy. Click and read and comment to your hearts content. Gotta love the page views. You are keeping me in demand - so let me thank you. Thank you girl!

#MarriagePrayer 1/6/12

2012-01-06T04:19:00.000-08:00

"Father, Let Your Love rain down again, cover me with grace again, fill me with Your power, Lord, again. Let Your Love rain down again. Cover me with grace again. Fill me with Your power, Lord, again! LET YOUR LOVE RAIN DOWN AGAIN. COVER ME WITH GRACE AGAIN. FILL ME WITH YOUR POWER LORD, AGAIN! AMEN."

#MarriagePrayer 1/5/12

2012-01-05T07:00:00.000-08:00

"Father,
Thank YOU for another day. Thank YOU for another chance to be an ambassador for You. God, can I just be frank this morning? This marriage thing is hard work. This trying to live righteous thing is hard work. God, I know that when a person tries to work for Your Glory that attacks will come. And I know that the attacks are designed to strengthen me and my spouse. So I am going to give YOU Glory even though I am tired. I am going to praise YOU even though I am weary. I am going to praise You even though I am going through fiscally. Because Your Word says 'Be not weary in well doing." So Father, I am going to love, praise, worship in spite of my fatigue. Thank You for Your mercy, power, awesomeness, grace. I love You because You are God, because of all You have done, and all that You will do! Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 1/4/12

2012-01-03T19:42:00.000-08:00

"Father,
This morning we come to You on behalf of our husbands. Please guard every head of household that is represented here today. Father, please make them all strong men of God. God protect them from attacks of the enemy. Grant them wisdom as they make decisions that affect the entire family. Mold them into strong priests who can lead by example. God, please enlarge my husbands territory. Please grant him favor among men. Speak to him and make plain Your plan for his life. I love You and thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 1/3/12

2012-01-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank You for the gift of sex. Thank You for giving me and my spouse desire for each other. Thank You for giving us passion for each other. Thank YOU for designing my spouse directly for me. God, please be a hedge around us and shield us from any temptation. Please help us keep our eyes only on each other and erase all others that we may have known from our memories. Help us to always find comfort in each other's touch. Thank YOU for this gift. Amen. Amen."

Love Never Fails

2012-01-03T06:08:00.000-08:00

At nearly every wedding this scripture is read. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails." But with 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, it seems as if love fails daily. But love doesn't fail. Love - which is a gift from God - doesn't fail. God's gifts are divine and perfect. We fail. That's right.. we fail love. Love doesn't fail us.

Think about it. How often have you heard someone say that they and their partner just "grew apart?" Did either of them stop and say to their spouse "hey, I am feeling like we aren't connected anymore. Can we talk about it?" I bet they didn't. That is because folks are scared to be real. They don't want to rock the boat. They don't want to offend anyone. It is so much easier to leave a relationship, than to take a look a yourself and your mate and do the HARD work it takes to improve it.

Folks that make it in relationships are not the ones that never have any controversy. The couples that make it are the ones that unite and work together when controversy arises. And it will arise. Some will be little skirmishes, others will be big. But don't get it twisted - the little problems can grow into giants if they are ignored and fed a constant diet of resentment.

The only way to keep failure at bay is to never lose sight of verses 4 through 7. That is the blueprint for making it. For the techie folks, it is a basic "if-then-else" statement. If you do verses 4-7, then verse 8 -"Love never fails"- will come to pass. But if you ignore verses 4-7, then you fail love. It's that simple. But is it easy? Nope. Verses 4-7 are hard work. Daily hard work. But remember that day a few years ago when you were in church wearing that white dress and some guy was standing next to you wearing a tux and you made a vow to love someone always. Well, that love was a verb not a feeling. Feelings fade. But LOVE is an action. Sometimes love means speaking kindly to your spouse. Sometimes love means fixing their favorite meal. Sometimes love means making love. Sometimes love means shutting up and letting an argument go. Sometimes love means sweet kisses and cuddling. Sometimes love means starting over. See not only is love a verb, it's a transformative verb. It becomes whatever you need it to be.

So the next time you are thinking about throwing in the towel and just walking away, stop and think "Am I failing love?" If so,try again. Because remember love never fails only we can.

#MarriagePrayer 1/2/12

2012-01-02T04:54:00.000-08:00

"God, You ROCK! Thank You for another year. Thank You for another chance to get it right. Thank You for taking care of me all through 2011. Thank You for keep adversity at bay. Thank You for my family. Thank You for my children that are gifts from YOU. Thank You for my husband. Thank You for my job. In a year where many people lost positions, You have kept us both employed and I thank YOU. Thank You for growth. Thank you for allowing me to find my pen and to grow as a writer. Thank YOU for opening doors for me. Thank YOU for new friendships, rekindled friendships, and long term friendships that have withstood the test of time. Thank You for grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love. Thank You GOD! You are awesome! Amen."

Can I Get A Amen?

2012-01-02T04:45:00.000-08:00

It's 2012, ya'll! Today I woke up feeling mega grateful and blessed. Why? Because I am. Do I have everything that I want? Nope. But guess what? I am blessed beyond measure. Let me give you a few examples:

1. I am one of God's favorite people. That's not vanity, it's just the truth. (Don't worry you are one of His favorites too.) God forgives me, acts as a hedge around me, and is always there when I call on Him. And with all of the mess that I get into daily, I know that I must amuse Him. That's gotta mean that I am one of His favs, right?

2. Life is not a crystal stair (and it never will be) but I am equipped with the skills I need to accomplish a lot in life. I am not over-the-hill or out of the game. I am fully equipped and covered in His armor to not only live life, but to live it abundantly! I can do whatever vision God gives me!

3. My family may have expanded but it is still in tact. Yep, my last name is still "Taylor." That is enough to run around the sanctuary and shout right now! I am so grateful that God has restored my marriage and family. Is it perfect? Nope. Some days we win, others we don't. But either way "we" are working on it.

4. Our professional lives are finally coming together. Our 9-5's are on similar shifts for the first time in a LONG time. (Somebody grab the prayer cloth because I was just slain in the Spirit.) For years, we've worked opposite and conflicting shifts. But now we are on the same general shift and I suspect that it is going to be great! Not only does that free up more face-to-face time but it also gives us a chance to pursue some personal goals as well. I am so excited to see what we will accomplish this year!

5. I am so excited about 2012. I am just giddy with the potential that this year presents. This year will be great! Not because it won't have challenges (because it will), but because I am able to deal with whatever this year throws at me. Heck, I've dealt with tons already. And I've learned that while life will give you bumps and bruises, God can see me through anything. And that is enough to shout on right there. So let me quit typing and start praising. Can I get an amen?

2012 Manifesto

2011-12-31T21:04:00.001-08:00

Every January 1st people all over the globe make New Year's resolutions in an attempt to make this year better than the last. The concept behind it is great. Turn over a new leaf. Do something different. Improve. The problem is that most resolutions are forgotten by February 1st. So a few years ago I chucked the idea of a resolution. I created the manifesto.

The manifesto is like a mission statement. It is personal. It is mine. In it I detail the type of life I want to live, the type of person I want to be. It is a description of my best self. And it is visible. I post it on my bathroom mirror so that I have to look at it as I brush my teeth.

So here it is the 2012 Manifesto:

This year will be my year of obedience. I can not ask God to keep blessing me if I do not follow His instructions - all of His instructions. I can not pick and choose when I want to be obedient. And I want to be obedient so that my presence is always a blessing unto my family.

I want every generational curse to end with me. I want to be a person that leads with love. I want to be a person that forgives fully. I want to expect good out of people. I want my ears to be closed to those that mean me harm. I want to extend to others the mercy that God has shown me.

I want to walk fully into whatever God has for me. I want to consistently be in position to receive His blessing and work for His glory. I want my spirit and actions to always say "Yes" to whatever God asks of me.

I want God to be at the center of all that I do. For all that I do to be pleasing in His sight. I know that by keeping my eyes focused on Jesus that anything that comes my way can be dealt with the correct way. I know that trials will come, but I want to deal with them in the spirit and really learn to quiet/control my temper. I want my life to reflect my beliefs and to be a living testimony to the goodness, grace, love, and mercy of Christ.

See, easy peasy. Well, writing it is easy peasy. Now I just have to live it daily. So I encourage you to do your own version of the manifesto and place it where you can see it often. Keep your eyes on the prize!

I do Look Great, Don't I? **Original Publish Date 12/2010

2011-12-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

This is an actual recap of a situation that happened to me recently. I had a repairman over to the house. He looked in my living room and noticed a double stroller. He made the comment, "You have twins?" I answered in the affirmative. He then asked the obvious followup question, "How old are they?" Again I give an honest answer, "11 weeks old." And the repairman says, "Wow! You look great to have 3 month old twins!"

Yeah. I know awkward. But how do I answer that question? Do I have twins? Yes. Think what you may, say what you want, but this is the way I think. If my husband and I are to truly restore and be one then how can there be a division of yours, mine, and ours? In my mind, there can't be a separation of the kids. If we are one, then those are our kids when they are in this home. Period. That's my train of thought on this situation - and really that's the only train that matters. So, when someone asks me how many kids we have, the answer is 4. And when the repairman asks, "You have twins?" I answer in the affirmative. Got it? Good.

But I am not going to go into a spiritual discussion about marriage and one-ness with the repairman in my living room. He really doesn't need the family history lesson. And I am ok with that, but when he said "you look great to have 3 month old twins" I felt a bit disingenuous. I looked great that day - period. I really did. And I know what his statement was saying, "you look great to have been pregnant just 3 months ago and you have already lost the weight and are standing here cute-d up." You know that's what he meant. So that is why I felt a bit like a liar that day, because I knew that I didn't really meet his litmus test.

But here I am a few days out and I have to think that "Hell Yeah! I look great for having 3 month old twins!" Because damn it, I do. I look great to be still married. I look ravishing to have kept my sanity. I am too cute because I am standing here in regular clothes and not wearing an orange jumpsuit and in jail. I do look amazing to have kept working EVERY day through this situation. I look superfine to have fortified my faith in the midst of trials. I look fantastic draped in love, forgiveness, and restoration.

So I guess I wasn't lying.. and from now on I will just reply, "Thank You."

#MarriagePrayer 12/30/11

2011-12-30T04:57:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank YOU for the gift of discernment. Thank YOU for teaching me to listen to Your voice and no one elses. Thank YOU for teaching me to seek Your will and no one elses. Thank YOU for the times that You tested me with silence. That makes me run after You even harder. Thank You for talking to me. Thank You for leading me. Thank You for teaching me. Thank YOU for saving me. I love YOU and I thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 12/29/11

2011-12-29T07:00:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank You for all of Your love and covering. Thank You for watching over our family and friends. Father, thank You for all of the things that You have blocked that I don't even know about. I thank YOU for being a protective hedge around my family and my husband. Thank YOU for being an awesome GOD! I love YOU and thank YOU! Amen. Amen."

I Need You.

2011-12-28T18:31:00.000-08:00

In most relationships, the hardest words to say are "I love you." Women agonize over saying it too soon and men worry about it being reciprocated. But in my marriage there are 3 words that are even harder for me to say. I have a problem saying "I need you." Heck, Jilly from Philly even wrote a song about it. In "The Fact Is," she sings "I can pay my own light bill baby/ Pump my own gas in my own car... truth is I need you." And it's true. I need my husband.

But here is why I have such a problem: In the age of the "strong black woman," I can do it all. I can cut the grass, fix problems at home, cook the meal, raise the kids, and work 40+ hours a week. I can do it all. And for the past gazillion years, women - especially black women - have been told that it is a sign of weakness to say that we need anyone but the Lord. We've been told that we can do/have it all and that a husband is the icing on the cake. And while I can do it all, I wasn't designed to do it all. No one is. You will run yourself into the hospital or loony bin doing it all.

Now, before all of my single black sistas and single moms form a picket line outside my door let me explain... I know that you are holding it down every day. I know that many sistas are single either by choice or by circumstance and that they are working hard, raising kids, and DOING IT WELL! But if a man came with his "A" game and stepped up to help shoulder the load, I don't think many women would turn down his offer.

Which leads me back to the statement that I need my husband. I need him to help shoulder the load. I need him to be my "home base" - that place where I can run to recharge and be loved. I need him to make my toes curl at night. I need him to help me to raise the kids and show them what a real man looks like - imperfections and all. I need him.

But I have to keep it honest: it's hard to admit that I need him because that statement makes me emotionally vulnerable. And I am not comfortable being emotionally vulnerable. But isn't that what transparency in marriage is about? Trusting your spouse with all of you - even the parts that you are afraid to share? So let me take the first step and say it loud and clear, not to you the reader, but more importantly to my husband: "Baby, I not only love you, I need you too."

What Are Your Priorities?

2011-12-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

God. Spouse. Family. Those are your priorities, right? And that list is by order of importance, isn't it? Good. Now do me a favor. Think back over the past 2 weeks. Did your day to day existence illustrate that your priorities are in order? Really? If you are anything like me, the answer is no.

Ready to get verbally beat up? Well, I'm not going to do it. Here's why: when you ask people their priorities they always list the things they should be doing, not what they are actually doing. Another reason I won't verbally assault you is because life is cyclical. Last week I was totally tangled up in a huge project and everything else fell by the wayside. But now, the project is finished so I am refocused on my top three.

And that focus takes discipline. To see if your priorities match up to your every day life, ask yourself a few questions:

1. God.
What does spending time with God look like to you? Is that spending time in prayer (asking) and meditation (listening)? Is that spending more time in church or in a ministry? Or is it reading more of the Bible or of Christian authors?

2. Spouse.
Are you investing in your marriage? Is that marriage counseling? A date night? Do you need to work through a couples devotional? Do you need to have sex more often? (Yes, I jumped from Jesus to sex.. You should know me by now.)Do you need to have fun together? Do you need a couples vacay? Pick one and put it on the calendar. Work towards it - together.

3. Family.
Have you met with your kids teachers? Do you know your kids best friends? Are you helping your kids prepare for college? Have they read to you recently? Are your kids physically fit? Are you playing with your kids? Do you take them to things that will enrich their lives - symphony, plays, libraries? Beyond kids, do you check on your extended family? Do you talk to your relatives on a regular basis? Do you check on your elders? Can you name your cousins? Can your kids name them?

See I have lots of questions. Go through them. Pick out a few and make plans to incorporate them into your life. After a few months, incorporate a few more. This is how you get your life to reflect what you say. This is how you get your priorities in order. You know.. not just talk the talk but to walk the walk...

#MarriagePrayer 12/28/11

2011-12-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

"Father,please work on my obedience. I know that I could be better in so many areas but it all comes down to obedience. Obedience to Your Word and obedience to the Holy Spirit. Father, please help me in this area of my life. Please keep Your hand on me as I wrestle with myself. Thank You for withholding punishment when I don't obey. Thank You for mercy I don't deserve. I love You and thank You. Amen. Amen"

Golf Course Green

2011-12-27T07:14:00.000-08:00

There is a common phrase that is tossed around "the grass is greener on the other side." But I disagree with that. I believe that if you pay attention to your yard the grass can be green exactly where you are.

Let's be honest tending to your own marriage garden is hard work. You have to pull the weeds, fertilize the yard, and keep it trimmed. (You know I am the queen of metaphors, right? So just follow me for a second.) A regular landscaper mows the lawn, gets it all golf course green, and pauses to appreciate how great it looks. But the great landscaper does the work to not only get the lawn looking great today, but does the work to keep it looking great into the future. And that is hard work.

You should treat your marriage just like a great landscaper. You have to not only identify the weeds/problems that you brought with you into the marriage, but you have to remain vigilant to stop any new weeds from popping up. Great marriages take work. Great marriages take time and attention. And great marriages take fun. Yep, that's right - fun.

What's the point of landscaping a beautiful lawn if you don't take a moment to actually roll around on the grass? You have to stop for fun. You have to stop for love. You have to stop for sex. You have to enjoy the grass. And enjoying the grass/marriage is what helps to motivate you to fertilize it later. See, it's all a cycle. No one likes handling poo. No one likes digging through the mounds of manure to spread the fertilizer. But you keep shoveling because you know it will pay off, right? (OK, I am sick of the metaphor. Let's just talk.) No one wants to have hard conversations or go to counseling. No one wants to dig through and go deep into their emotional core and uncover truths - hard truths - about themselves. That hurts. But once you do the hard work, your marriage will take leaps and bounds forward. Once you dig deep and start to take care of your marriage, it will free up more time for fun. It really will.

So get out there, put on your yard gloves, get the garden tools out, get on your knees and do the hard work. I believe that every yard can be golf course green if you do the hard work. (Yep, the metaphor is back.)

#MarriagePrayer 12/27/11

2011-12-27T04:58:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank You for the gift of laughter. Thank You for not only the strength to endure hard times, but the ability to appreciate the good times. Thank You for giggling and fun. Thank You for my spouse and that gift of laughter. Thank You for someone that gets me and understands my quirky sense of humor. Thank You for someone who will bust a dance move at a moments notice. Thank You for the good times. I know that You hear from most of Your children when our backs are against the wall, but I want You to know that I appreciate the good times. I appreciate the laughter. I really do. So I thank You and love YOU. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 12/26/11

2011-12-25T21:53:00.001-08:00

"Father, thank You for the gift of my spouse. Thank You for the gift of covenant love. Thank You for thinking so much of me that You created another person to love me. God, please help me to remember that my spouse is a gift from You. Please remind me to treat him accordingly. God, help me remember that I honor You by honoring my spouse. God, I love You and thank You. Amen. Amen."

Covenant Gifts

2011-12-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

So today is December 26th. If you are Christian and have expendable income, chances are that you spent yesterday exchanging gifts with friends and family. But today is the day after Christmas and my question is what are you doing with your gift? I'm not talking about a gift that you unwrapped, but the gift of your spouse.

Yes, your spouse and your marriage are gifts that you unwrap daily. Over the course of your marriage, you will tear away the "wrapping paper" until you get to the core gift - a sound marriage. A transparent marriage. A safe marriage. A committed marriage. And to get to that core, you have to make a decision to use your gift every day.

Yep, that's right, every day. The gift of marriage only works if you work at it everyday. You have to put batteries in the relationship and charge them when they start running low. And if I could put the metaphor of the gift down for a moment, you have to study your spouse. You have to know what words and/or actions cause them harm and you have to avoid those minefields. You have to pray over your union. You have to be faithful, loving, passionate, and forgiving EVERY DAY. Believe me... You will have to utilize all of the gifts of the spirit if you are going to honor the gift of marriage.

There are many areas of our lives that we need to recognize as precious gifts. From the gift of life, to the gift of salvation, to the gift of children, and yes, the gift of marriage. All of these are gifts to be unwrapped and enjoyed and appreciated. And just as you would for any present you receive you need to say "thank you" for them. Not a verbal thank you, but a "thank you" that is evident in the way we treat our gifts. Every action in our covenant should say to God "thank You for loving me so much that You made this person just for me." In my opinion, that is a wonderful gift.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T04:30:00.001-08:00

I am so blessed and excited about today! This is the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus. While some folks try to discredit Christmas by saying we don't know when Jesus was born, I say "I don't care if we celebrate today or February 2nd, I am just happy that Jesus was born and that He died to save me." I don't know about you but I am so grateful that God gave us such a precious gift.

So Merry Christmas! Happy Birthday Jesus! I love You and thank YOU!

#MarriagePrayer 12/23/11

2011-12-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

"Father, I want to thank You for strong prayer warriors. God, thank You for folks that will stand with you when you need it. Praying friends who will lift up Your name & remind us that trials don't last. Thank You for those that will drop everything to cover us in prayer. Father, I ask that You cover them & bless them for always being a blessing to us. Father, we love YOU and thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

Superman Doesn't Exist

2011-12-23T06:08:00.000-08:00

For months I avoided watching the documentary “Waiting for Superman." Why? Because I am an education junkie and I knew it would make me angry. And guess what? I was right. Maybe if you knew more about my background you would understand why I get so angry about the subject of education. Let me explain: my mom is a teacher. Well, actually my mom is an master educator. Not only did she teach special needs kids for 31 years, after she retired she returned to help new teachers master their classrooms. Yep, she kinda rocks. I remember sitting in the car as she went inside a home to talk to a parent. (It was the 80’s… you could leave a kid in the car.) I remember her buying clothes and school supplies for students. So our home was not only filled with educators but talks about education.

Then there is the fact that by nature I would rather spend my time in a museum or library than a mall. I am the person that checks out 20 books at a time. I am the person who knows their library card number by heart. I love the library. And I love museums. Free knowledge is always a good thing, right? So basically I'm a nerd.

Add that to the fact that I have an M.Ed. and two kids in public school, and boom! You have an education stalker. I follow great school programs the way others follow Beyonce. I really do.

So now that you know why I am an education stalker, let me tell you what pissed me off about “Waiting for Superman.” When it ended, I still had some questions that I needed answered and there were no action steps given. Let’s start with my questions:

If you have a charter or magnet school that has a proven success rate – and I am measuring success by kids competing on or above grade level – then why are those programs not replicated. Just last week I asked @DrStevePerry a question about this subject. I asked “Does school reform have to be done school by school or district by district?” His answer, “School by school.” I partially agree with that statement. In my opinion, schools have to be reformed on a case by case basis because the needs of students vary depending on where they live. But if you have a magnet/charter school that is doing so well that the lottery process is overrun with families, then create a second campus that is a mirror of the first. There was one example in the documentary where 700 parents tried for 35 slots. If the community is that committed to the school, then why not create 20 more just like it. The number of applications are a sign that parents want it. I’m sorry but that seems like common sense to me.

My second problem with the documentary is that it ended without action steps. I watched the movie, so now what? I can’t stand work that gets you enraged and ready to act but then doesn’t tell you where to direct the anger. Do we need to lobby to get rid of tenure for teachers? Do we need to write letters to congress? Do we need to attend a school board meeting? What do we need to do? The documentary never told us. So, let me help you. My suggestions are not for everyone. These are only for people who have kids, or will have kids, or own a business and want a workforce that can read, or want co-workers who can read, or want to have nice stuff in your home without it being stolen, or if you don’t want to be carjacked, or if you don’t want to visit your nieces or nephews in jail. If you don’t fall into one of those categories then you are exempt and can sit back and do nothing. Here we go:

1. Watch the news and read the paper. Know what education issues are facing your community. Do research and be informed about YOUR community first. That is not selfish at all. On planes they tell you all the time to put on your mask first!

2. Visit a school. Actually ask for a visit of your neighborhood school. See the school for yourself. You can’t say “schools suck” or “schools are great” if you haven’t been in one since you left 8th grade.

3. Talk to a parent about their feelings about your school system. Get feedback for the actual stakeholders.

4. Attend a school board meeting. Learn about who is making decisions for your school system. If possible, ask for a meeting with your school board member. And if you don’t like their decisions, vote them out of office.

5. Donate to a school. A book bag, pencils, dry erase markers, giftcards, computer, something.. everyone can donate something.

6. Mentor a child. Help support a child that may not have parental support.

7. If you are a parent, show up! Don’t just go to basketball games or plays. Go to parent teacher conferences. Go to academic events. Volunteer in your child’s classroom.

8. Parents, read with your child. Do math with your child. Take your child to the library or a museum. Invest in your child.

9. If you have a great school in your area – be it public, charter, or magnet – ask the leader of that school, what will it take for it to be replicated. Then follow through with their suggestions.

10. Do something. Do it now. Do it today. Write a letter. Call a congressman. Cheer for teachers as they walk into school. But do something!

I know I am not the only person passionate about this topic. I really want to know what do you think? What are your suggestions? Or what are you doing to improve the school system? Because while we can’t wait on Superman to come in and save us, we can form our own Justice League and save ourselves.

#MarriagePrayer 12/22/11

2011-12-22T02:05:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank You for Your Word. Thank You for giving us a blueprint on how to tackle every situation that arises in our life. Thank You for the gift of the Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing both Your Word & the Holy Spirit to help us in marriage. Please help us to remember to rely on both not only when times are stressful, but also when our marriage is sweet. Let us wrap our hearts, our marriages, & our families in Your Word so that we will be equipped to impact the world. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer 12/21/11

2011-12-21T04:39:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank You for the healthy communication with my spouse. Thank You for allowing our communication to grow and develop towards transparency. Thank You for softening our hearts so that we can truly hear each other. Thank You for giving us pause before we say something that may be destructive to our spouse. Thank You for making our marriage a safe place where our words will not be used against us. Father, I want to just thank You for growth in this area of my marriage. I love You and thank You. Amen. Amen."

#MarriagePrayer

2011-12-20T04:15:00.000-08:00

Good morning! For the past two months I have been leading the #marriageprayer on twitter. Every Monday - Friday at 7am CST you can find me on twitter at @myriadthatisme and join in with me. Each day I (and those who join with me) pray for marriages, families, and our community. The Word says in Matthew 18:20, when 2 or more gather in His name, He is right there with them. So I am using social media to touch and agree. Come check us out! But if you can't join us at that time, don't worry. Beginning today you can find the marriage prayer posted here as well.

And coming soon, it will be on the Myriad That Is Me facebook fan page. (Yep, I am believing GOD for big things in 2012!)

#Marriage Prayer 12/20/11

2011-12-20T04:02:00.000-08:00

"Father, thank You for my children. Thank You for opening my eyes to realize that they are a mirror of everything I do and say. Father, please make me & my spouse better parents in Your image. Let us lead by example and love abundantly. Let us be stern when correction is needed. Let us rise with purpose each morning to walk in Your image so that our children don't have to search for role models in the world. God, protect our children from any harm that may come against them. Protect them from bullying, low self esteem, illness, and lack. Be a true hedge around them at all time. Father, I love You and thank YOU. Amen. Amen."

(Wo)Man in the Mirror

2011-12-18T19:57:00.000-08:00

I have a secret that I want to share with you. Every change that I want in my life starts with me. Every change that you want in your life starts with you. In about two weeks, people around the globe will make wishes for their life that they will call New Years Resolutions. By February 1st those resolutions will be long gone. I'm not pointing fingers. I've made them year after year. But no more. I'm done making resolutions or wishes. I am now making changes and every change that I am making starts with me. That's right. Me.

Why? Because everything that I want is with in my grasp. If I want to keep improving my marriage, then I have to get up every day and honor my marriage. If I want to lose 40lbs, then I need to get off the couch and walk around my neighborhood. If I want to be a better parent, then I need to turn off the gazillion forms of entertainment in my house and be present in my kids' lives. See what I mean? It all starts with me. Sounds easy, doesn't it? But no, it's not easy.

Why? Because anything worth having requires hard word. Consistent hard work. It's that "C" word that messes us all up. Consistent. It's easy to diet because at the end of the diet, you tell yourself you can go back to eating what you want, right? But if you've ever tried this form of dieting, you know that by the end of the first week you've regained most of the weight you lost. The only way to have real weight loss is to change your lifestyle. That means you have to be consistent. Not just today, not just tomorrow, but 5 years from now. You have to be consistent. That's hard work.

So I am not making a resolution or wish this year. I am going to work on me. I am going to work on my consistency. Not on January 1st or even tomorrow. I am going to work on me right now.

Take Care of You

2011-12-12T04:48:00.000-08:00

Folks, listen up. Wives, you should especially pay attention. Guess what? Let me tell you a secret. Lean in close. Ready? You are important to God's plan for your family.

Did you hear what I said? YOU are important to God's plan for your family. That means that your family cannot achieve all of what God has ordained if you are not fully present. I know you are thinking, "Duh, Ney, I know that. Why do you think I read the blog? I am learning about being a better spouse. I get that." But do you understand the biggest part of that is YOU? You are important. You are important. YOU are important. And if YOU are important, are you treating yourself as such?

Ah-ha! That was the light bulb moment. Lots of women get a sense of guilt about doing things for themselves. We run, run, run until we can't run anymore. Then if we are lucky, we fall out for a day and then get back up running again. If we aren't lucky, we stroke out, have high blood pressure, or even die. Think about the women you know. How many are overweight, exhausted, last on their list?

Everyone says that you have to take care of you to be able to take care of anyone else. And that is so true.. but let's be honest.. that is easier said than done. So be sneaky about your me time. If you are trying to workout, incorporate the family. Go for a family walk. If you need time to sit with God's Word, incorporate a Bible hour in your home. But take the time to take care of you.

Remember you are "fearfully and wonderfully made." You are one of God's greatest creations. Shouldn't you treat yourself as such?

Marriage Public Relations

2011-12-06T17:41:00.000-08:00

If you pick up a magazine or turn on the tv, the images of marriage are amazingly dysfunctional. Either it's a litany of who is cheating on who, or someone is filing for divorce, or some random celeb is making a mockery of marriage. And guess what? Married people aren't helping the situation. I know you are thinking, "what? Huh? If they are married, aren't they the antithesis of the problem?" Well, no. Married people give off one of two ideas about marriage - and they are both extreme - Fairytale or Hell.

While it is true that most marriages will have their share of fairytale moments and at times some hellish ones too, that isn't all that marriage is. It makes marriage sound like a bi-polar institution. Too many of us act like marriage is a continuous Disney World. We come off a wonderful wedding where we were the center of attention and everyone cowed to our whims and BOOM! We are back in reality. And the reality is that everyday isn't Disney. But everyday isn't hell either. A real marriage has mountainous highs, valley lows, but it also has lots of little ant hills and potholes. And it's how you weather these little highs and lows that really make up the day-to-day of your marriage. And that is the key bit of information that married folks fail to celebrate.

That's what we need to convey to singles about marriage. We have to take a moment to tell people about the reality of marriage. And to do that we need to appreciate the little things that happen everyday. That fact that your wife cooks you dinner and washes your clothes is no little feat. The fact that your husband cuts the grass and keeps the car clean takes time. There is planning and love and honor through service that we need to acknowledge, appreciate, and not take for granted. I know what some of you may be thinking, "Isn't that what they are supposed to do? Why should you get a pat on the back for doing something that spouses should do anyway?" You pat them on the back because they choose to do it for you. That's right. It's always a choice. And your spouse chooses to love you by ironing your shirt or taking the trash out. That is love through service. It's important to marriage so treat it as such.

We also have to remain vigilant to not let the little molehills grow into Mt. Everest. There are little things that we all do that annoy our spouses. From "why are her shoes all over the closet floor" to "why does he walk past the hamper and leave his underwear on the floor outside the shower" - there are tons of things that your spouse does everyday that get under your skin.. if you let it. I used to think that the drawers outside the shower were my husband's attempt to get on my nerves on purpose. (Yea, that was a real example.) But after I paused for a second and thought about it, it's not about that at all. That is just where he feels most comfortable disrobing. Yep, it was that simple. I could have gotten upset and fussed about it and let that one minor thing grow into a wedge in my marriage, or I can just say whatever and keep it moving. You can make that same choice to overlook the minor stuff and focus on the good. And when you are focused on the good you are not complaining about your marriage to single folks.

Honestly, there are enough things coming against your marriage so why sweat the small stuff? And that is the view that we need to give singles. That marriage is not all highs and lows.. but it's lots of little moments where you choose to love, you choose to honor, you choose to be married.

And hear me well.. I am not saying to give singles a "Pollyanna" view of marriage. I am saying that you have to share the sweetness of it, the choice to love and be loved, and the fact that marriage is not disposable. Once you understand and appreciate those things about your covenant, you won't have to say a word to singles about the institution of marriage. Why? Because your love.. your marriage will be the best billboard for them to read.

Do You Forgive Jumpoffs?

2011-11-29T05:08:00.000-08:00

If you've been reading my work for awhile, you know that I keep it 100%. (If you are new to my posts, just put on a seatbelt, this one is a talker.) Here is the question I want to pose this morning: Is warning others about the misdeeds of a mistress spreading gossip or community service? (I told you it was a talker.)

Here is where this is coming from: If you know that someone has a history of dating married men, do you warn other wives about the behavior so that they can guard their home or do you remain silent? Before you answer let me share my train of thought...

Part-A of me says "Yes! Definitely warn other wives who may come in contact with this person about the mistress's history of behavior. That is your duty to other wives. Wives have to be united against all threats to marriage especially the jumpoff."

But the other part (Part-B) of me says, "No. People change even people that you don't like. And if God wipes your past clean then who are you to hold someone else's past against them."

But back to Part-A, "God forgives and I am not God. It's hard to forgive someone who doesn't think they did anything wrong and still holds baseless grudges against you."

Part-B comes back with "Forgiveness is not for others, it's for you. It is necessary to your growth. You can't ask God to bless you while harboring unforgiveness against others."

So, there lies my answer. You really can't argue with God, right?

Money Honey

2011-11-19T14:57:00.000-08:00

Ok, Ya'll know me. I always keep it 100% even at the risk of causing myself some embarrassment. So here is my latest "taxicab confession" - I am broke. I know you are thinking, "Broke? What do you call broke?" Well, brokeness is relative. Donald Trump and I don't have the same definition of broke. But for the sake of argument, let's just say that by my own definition my fiscal situation is bleak. I am broke.

Not only am I broke, I am pretty bad with money. So brokeness + financial ignorance = BIG PROBLEMS. Oh, and did I mention spiritual disobedience is also in there? Yea... that whole tithing thing is so important. I know that. Like I really KNOW that, but when the daycare bill is due... let's just say that I don't always give God His money. So brokeness + financial ignorance + spiritual disobedience = BIGGER PROBLEMS. And one more thing... my husband is the exact same way.

So we are equally yoked in that arena... fortunately, when one of us makes a fiscal mistake, the other one always understands. The flip side is that neither of us have been well equipped to make a change for the better. LaTanya Richardson Jackson (Samuel Jackson's wife) was quoted as saying (paraphrase) "money can't buy happiness but having money makes marriage much easier." I think she is right. I mean think about it, if you didn't have to worry about money - no light bills or mortgage worries at all - then think about what you can focus on - God, marriage, purpose.

But let's be honest, Publishers Clearing House is not walking up to the house anytime soon and the Tennessee Lotto has never called my number, so it's up to me to change our fiscal outlook. So what am I going to do? Glad you asked... Here is the plan:
1. Exercise financial discipline.
That is actually easier said than done. I have to learn to tell myself no to the little stuff. I am actually good at telling myself that I can't afford big stuff but the little stuff (Starbucks and Target) adds up. So I need to tell myself "no" and mean it.

2. Trust God.
You may have a different point of view but I know that God wants me to trust Him. I can't just trust Him with some stuff, I need to trust Him with EVERYTHING. So, He gets His 10% and not just the "tip money" I've been dropping in the collection plate.

3. Find ways to increase my income.
We are all friends, right? So what if I put a collection plate/tip jar/paypal account on the site. You got me? But I am looking for more freelance writing jobs and local speaking engagements. And that book is right around the corner so look for it soon.

4. Bills, Bills, Bills.
Since I don't have a financial wealth of knowledge, I am going to rely on those who do - Dave Ramsey and Glenda Bridgforth. Google them. Lots of knowledge that is in bite sized,easily digestible pieces.

5. Communicate with my husband.
My husband and I were discussing taking our life to the next level and realized that we couldn't go to the next level unless we were willing to do the work on this level. We can't go any further if we are not good stewards of what the Lord has blessed us with already. So we are hunkered down, in the trenches, doing the work that needs to be done to not only pull us out of debt, but to also propel us into a more secure financial future.

Five steps. It sounds easy, doesn't it? An easy 5 step plan to secure financial freedom. So to quote Snoop, "I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind."

The Dreaded NPL

2011-11-14T06:07:00.000-08:00

My girlfriends and I were recently talking about nostalgic professions of love or here after referred to as NPL (Sounds all official doesn't it?) Well, the NPL normally pops up at an event where you are magically transported back to a romanticized time in life. It could be a highschool reunion, college homecoming, or any other event where nostalgia is running high. And normally it is accompanied by large amounts of alcohol being consumed. This is when the NPL happens.

It's always the same... ex-ex-ex boyfriend comes up to you and professes his undying love. Lines like "you will forever be mine," "I never should have done that," or when referencing his wife "she's nice enough but she will never be you" are tossed around. The motives behind the NPL are varied. In some instances, the ex-ex-ex boyfriend has just gotten a bit of liquid courage and is saying things that should have been said a long time ago. But let's keep it real - in most instances the NPL is just your ex-ex-ex boyfriend trying to get laid for old times sake.

Now, I am not trying to trounce on anyone's feelings but come on... real professions of love are urgent. When you really feel strongly for someone, you can't wait until the reunion to say something. You step up and say something on a random Tuesday. You handle all of your business before you say something. You do your research before you say something. And you don't try to cause them any harm in their current relationship.

Here is what I would do if I truly had feelings for someone: 1. Do a bit of research. If they are married, then I say leave well enough alone. If I did something to screw them over in the past, I would send a note/email apologizing for my actions and wish them well. (Good karma comes back to you.) If they are not married, then I move onto the next step.

2. Reach out to them in a non-reunion setting. Take a minute and contact them and invite them to lunch or starbucks or something lowkey. See them without the reunion lighting.

3. Apologize for any mistake or misdeed that you may have done that contributed to the break up. Chances are they are over it and have moved on, but it is always good to hear.

4. IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, then you can make the offer of rekindling the relationship. Notice how I said, "IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED?" If you are married and are still hitting on other women, then chances are you haven't learned anything and guess what? No one wants you back when you haven't changed. And re-read the 4th step again. What is the last word in the first sentence? "Relationship." Don't give a NPL hoping to get a blow job for old times sake. Like for real. If that's all you want, believe me just keep it moving.

Oh, and don't get it twisted. It's not only men who do the NPL. Lots of women come to reunions and do their version of the NPL. Normally, they are comparing their husbands to the one that got away, or is better off fiscally, or hell, let's be honest - some women are just bored with their lives. So NPLs are professed and beds are turned down and in the morning most women roll over and realize that the fool they are laying next too is really no different from the fool that they left at home except the fool at home is the one you really love.

So don't get sucked into the NPL. Go to homecoming/reunion. Have a great time. Kick it hard. But don't get sucked in. Keep moving forward because hindsight isn't really 20/20.

***and as an added bonus: here is what most women are thinking while the married exboyfriend is in the midst of the NPL...

Presence of a Rockstar

2011-11-04T04:12:00.001-07:00

I know a rockstar. I really do. I have no other word to explain how bright this person shines. She is a ROCKSTAR! (Yep, she deserves all caps!) So let me introduce her to you...

She's my mom. I know most folks think that their mothers rock, but let me tell you, mine really does. Here's why: I am constantly and consistently amazed by her compassion. This compassion isn't just for her family members, because let's be honest; doing good things for your family is what's expected of you. My mom gives unto others. When it comes to impacting the community, she doesn't just talk the talk. She walks the walk.

As a special education teacher for over 30 years, my mom has always been a champion of the underdog. I have to admit I didn't always appreciate these qualities. I remember when I was younger wanting designer jeans. My mom calmly explained that I could get 2 pair of JC Penny jeans for the cost of 1 pair of designer jeans. Of course, I got the 2 pairs. But later that same week, my mom purchased some clothes for a student in need. I thought, "If mom has money to spend on random folks, she could have just bought me the good jeans!" (Yeah,I know,I was a brat.) But now as an adult I totally understand her point. While it is great to be able to afford nice stuff, it is always better to be a blessing to others. That blessing will last much longer than any pair of jeans.

My mother taught in the same school that she attended as a child. While the opportunity to become a principal or counselor or school administrator came her way, she never left the classroom. When I asked "why," she said "if all the good teacher leave the classroom who will teach the kids." And don't walk around our hometown with my mom. You will be accosted repeatedly by the young and old alike saying, "Hi! Mrs. Ellery!"

This doesn't mean mom and I always see eye to eye. In recent years we've had many conversations about decisions I've made that she adamantly disagrees with. While she isn't shy about making that known, she isn't one to harp on it. I know I frustrate her at times (I can be a bit much); but she always lets me, be me. And if whatever grand plan that I have falls to pieces, she helps me pick up those pieces without saying, "I told you so." (She's a ROCKSTAR!)

When I was 21 and really feeling myself, I hated hearing this: "Aren't you Mrs. Ellery's daughter?" I HATED that. I wanted to be know for my mark on the world. I wanted the WORLD (or at least my little portion of it) to know my name. I always heard "you look just like your mama." But now I understand what an honor it is to be referred to as her child. And now I am even more pleased when people say "you act just like your mother." Because that means that I am becoming a rockstar too!

Strategic Planning

2011-11-03T04:05:00.000-07:00

Do you have strategic planning meetings with your spouse? Do you come together and plan out your year or your five year plan? Do you know your spouse's long term goals? Do you even know what you plan to be doing in 5-10 years?

Do you have a personal goal that you want to accomplish? Would you like to lose 100 lbs maybe or hike the Great Smokey Mountains? Is there a destination that is on your bucket list that you want to see? Do you want to learn another language?

What plans do you have for your kids? Are you securing their future? Are you giving them the tools they need to not only succeed but to be happy?

Do you plan date nights? Do you plan family time? Do you plan family vacations or anniversaries? Do you know what your spouse considers a good birthday?

Do you know the balance in all household accounts right now? Do you know how much debt you have? Do you have a plan to pay down that debt? Do you have long term fiscal goals?

Do you invest in your marriage and in your self? Are there conferences or workshops that you want to attend either as a couple or as an individual?

Today I don't have the answers, I just have the questions. But I know that the more you can answer the questions the better off your life and your marriage will be. Does knowing all the answers guarantee happiness? Nope. But knowing the answers does help make it easier to communicate and know where you stand with your spouse.

Good marriages don't just happen. Good lives don't just happen. Both require prayer, planning, and hard work. Yes, spontaneity is important but having a plan is also important. Do you have a plan? Are you working the plan? If not, what are you waiting for?

Do You Remember Your Vows?

2011-10-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that we should watch our marriage videos at least once a week. Why? So that you can remember WHAT you said and WHY you said it. Do me a favor. Close your eyes and think back to your wedding day. You see it? Yes, that's you all dressed up. Your hair is perfect and your honey looks amazing. Everyone is there smiling and happy. That day you were so in love. You were giving your all, promising your all, to God and to your spouse, right?

It's so easy to lose sight of that day. When you lose sight of that day, that feeling, and that moment; that's when you lose sight of that marriage. And that is why marriages fail. Plain and simple. That one thing turns into other things. Being disconnected. Adultry. Annoyance. Hatred. But it all starts when you lose sight of your vows.

And you do remember those vows, don't you? I mean no one twisted your arm, right? That was you standing up there, wasn't it?

Did you say something like this, "For richer or poorer, for better or worse." But I swear I heard this "I will love you. With God's help and direction, I will trust you with all of me. I will protect you from any storm that comes.

Your dreams will be my dreams and together we will blind the world with our love. Whether we live in a shack or a mansion, I will follow you.

I will love you when you are unlovable. Even when I don't like you, I will love you. When you are lost, I will be the beacon that guides you home.

I will develop, pray, and grow into exactly who God wants me to be so that I may be a blessing to you and our children's children. I love you exactly as you are today and promise to love you exactly as you are tomorrow.

And I can promise you this because I know that God made me perfectly designed for you and you for me. Amen."

Isn't that what you heard? That's what I heard. Now it's up to all of us to remember those words and live them daily.

Revenge is best ... Not Served

2011-10-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

When my husband was actively cheating on me, there was a reoccurring thought that kept running through my mind - "I'll show him!" It was normally accompanied by some variation of this, "He's gotta be out of his mind. I am fine. I am smart. I am a great catch! This muthaf&*$#@ is tripping! If he can't appreciate me, I know 10 men who would!" Sounds pretty juvenile, doesn't it?

I wish I could say that I stopped there, but I didn't. It was followed by flirting with some peripheral member of my male circle. I would go out with this male friend under the guise of just "kicking it." But while out the mood would be different. Drinks would be poured. Flirting would intensify. My ego would be boosted. Invariably an offer to go home/ "you should be with me"/"we would be great together" would be extended. In that moment I would think, "Wow! See I still got it! Yep, hubs is tripping. It is sooo him and not me. Me and bachelor #2 could be great together. I could divorce hubs' tail in the next 3 months and totally get with Bachelor #2 (or 3 or 4). I won't be lonely or single long. I'm a f&&&ing prize! And Bachelor #2 is cute, has great work ethic and drive, has been married before so he totally gets what it takes to make one fail and to make one work. He's an active dad to his kids. We could be the black Brady Bunch. I should do this. Maybe this is what hubs needs to get his shit together. Maybe if he realizes that other folks are 'sniffing around my skirt' he would act right. Hell, he deserves this. I could sleep with half of the city and he couldn't say shit. I really want to do this and then tell him all about it. I really want to see the look on his face. I really want him to feel all that he's put me through. Then maybe he'd understand. That's what I am going to do!"

But did I do it? Nope. I wanted to act a fool for all the reasons listed above but I didn't. Why? Because while my marriage was already on it's deathbed, I knew that my sleeping with someone else would place the covenant in the cemetery. Honestly, I don't think hubs would have been able to ever see past it. No matter how much dirt he did, the thought of me being with another man made him see red.

I didn't act on my revenge because I still wanted my marriage to work and didn't want to see my husband hurt. My cheating would hurt him. And part of me wanted nothing to do with anything that would hurt him.

This next one is going to sound a bit weird but follow me for a second. I didn't have an affair because I'm strategic and in the back of my mind I knew that if my marriage failed, divorce court would frown upon my actions. I didn't think the blind eye of justice would understand that what I did was in response to what he was doing. I didn't want the adulterer label in my court records.

And finally, I didn't have an affair because I knew it was wrong. Thank God for the presence of the Holy Spirit. As much as my mind could justify the action, my spirit couldn't. I heard this one question loud and clear, "So you are going to go against God trying to get revenge?" The answer was "No, I'm not." I knew that God had been working (and is still working) on me. I knew better. And I didn't want to go back to a spiritual "square one." Working on yourself and bending your will to God's is hard work, and I didn't want to repeat those lessons again. No matter how great a "revenge affair" would have been this was one dish that was best not served.

A Little Fairy Dust

2011-10-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that most of my pieces start the same way? With a conversation? Well, this piece is no different. I was having a conversation with a man who was growing increasingly upset with his wife over a myriad of issues. His most poignant statement was "She wants a fairytale and life isn't a damn fairytale." That statement stood out in my mind more than anything else he said. Why? Because as a feminist/womanist/black woman in America and lover of all things Pearl Cleage, I know that I should not expect anyone to ride in on a horse and rescue me. The damsel in distress scenario is played out like cassette tapes. But as a child of the TV generation, I have been inundated with images of love scenes in chick flicks, romantic moments on sitcoms, and of course, Cosby Love. Because of this I do have expectations of Magical Moments.

What exactly is a magical moment? A magical moment is a wonderful event where your spouse/partner/boo does something that not only makes you smile but makes everyone you tell about it smile when you recant what happened in a story over dinner. A magical moment makes your sister circle say, "aww that is so sweet. I wish my man did something like that." A magical moment is just that magical.

Most proposal stories are magical moments. Watch any of the gazillion wedding shows on television. On each one you will see women losing their minds trying to create a magical moment. Magical moments are that important.

Why? Because they give you a reservoir of strength to draw from when the relationship isn't so magical. When he is on your last nerve and you are ready to call an attorney, thinking back on a magical moment can make you pause and try again. When you are running from work to teeball practice to PTA meetings to the second job, recalling a magical moment gives you energy to keep on keeping on.

Magical moments aren't solely appreciated by just one gender. Everyone loves a magical moment. They are just different types of moments. For a woman it might be that time where he surprised her with a special romantic getaway. For a man it might be the time when she surprised him with tickets to his favorite team's big game.

And there are perks for planning a magical moment. Fellas, plan a moment for your wife. Guess what you get? Boom! Bam! A coochie coupon. And wives, plan a moment for your honey. Guess what you get? A trip to Home Depot and the guest bedroom painted. All around a win-win!

No one expects to live out a fairytale but we should expect to visit Neverland from time to time. So spread a little fairy dust around - your marriage will reap the benefits.

The Marriage Bed

2011-10-09T17:59:00.001-07:00

If you are married I will assume you know the basics of sex. He takes his ___ and puts it ___ and voila! That is sex. But is it good sex? Not if all you are doing is filling in the blanks.

Married sex is wonderful and awesome if you make it wonderful and awesome and if you keep it wonderful and awesome. It's really that simple.

Wives:
1. You have to get rid of the head scarf during sex. For real. I know you sat at the beauty shop for four hours and paid good money to get your hair done. I know. But think about it for a second. Close your eyes and think about your secret male fantasy getting ready to seriously make love to you... while wearing black church socks and flip flops. Your male fantasy may be so fine that you overlook the socks a few times, but after looking at those raggedy flip-flops over and over again you'll want to rip those things off his feet. Right? Right! Well, that's how fellas feel about your head scarf. It ain't cute. So take it off, make love, then re-wrap your hair. And if making love totally wrecks your updo, I bet the hubby will be more than happy to shell out the funds to get it re-done.

Hubbies:
1. Remember when you first met your wife and you would do the "thing" followed by the "you know" and it would drive her wild? Well, she's bored with it. I know what you are saying, "but she always loved it like that!" She used to love it, but now she's bored. Let me let you in on a little secret - women are fickle. One minute we want a soft caress, the next minute we are hollering expletives that our mothers would be ashamed of. We are definitely chameleons. And we need you to remix your "game plan." So surprise her. If you always do A then B then C.. tonight start with B, pull out a brand new D then go back to A. No one says throw your bag of tricks away... just remix it.

Wives:
2. (I'm about to get high fives from every husband I know.) Ready? Ladies, you have to have sex more often! (I'm pausing right here because men everywhere are standing up giving me a round of applause.) Sista, you have to be in the mood more than his birthday, anniversary and Dr. King Day. Yes, I know you're busy. Yes, I know the kids are forever calling your name. Yes, I know all of that. But you have to tap into your inner sexy. Think back to when you first met your husband or first got married. You couldn't keep your hands off him. So take a day off from being a wife and mommy. Have the hubs pick up some McDonalds for the kids and drop them off at your mama's house. Let the laundry pile up for a day. Grab a bottle of wine and rekindle that spark. The flames are still there, you just have to stroke the embers.

Hubbies:
2. Quit thinking you are going to get the good-good if you haven't helped out around the house. (The ladies have just welcomed me back to the team!) You can not expect anyone to fix dinner, check homework, wash clothes, clean bathrooms, work 50 hours a week, change diapers, braid hair, and break you off all in the same day. You want some loving? Then start engaging in household foreplay. What's that? Oh that is where you do a chore on your wife's to-do list. The scene goes a bit like this -
Man: rubbing on his wife "Baby, I've been thinking about you all day."
Wife: pulling away from hubs, "Boy please. I gotta fix this dinner and lil' Jimmy has soccer practice in a minute. Not to mention I have laundry to do."
Man: Pulling wife back to him, "Don't worry about that.. I already fed Jimmy and he is at Bobby's house. Bobby's mama is taking them to soccer. I picked up dinner for us, and as for the laundry - it's folded and already put away."
Wife: "For real?" Boom bam! She is butt naked and it's on and popping.

Wives:
3. Men are visual creatures. Men are visual creatures. Men are visual creatures. Yes, you have to shave the whole leg. Yes, you are going to have to wax there. Yes, you are going to have to invest in sexy lingerie. You need to channel your inner Draya-Trina-Pussycat Doll and work it! Don't stress over it. Buy the Halloween costumes on November 2 and play dress up. Your man will eat it up!

Hubbies:
3. Personal grooming matters for your too! Umm-hmmm! If your hangnails will mangle her lower regions, go get a manicure. Shower up and smell nice before coming to bed. No one wants "fresh off the toilet" or work funk all in the bed with them trying to be sexy. And a little lotion won't hurt either. All over lotion - not just your elbows and knees.

Both:
4. Learn something new. Take a moment and read a Zane book or two. Try to play "helicopter" with the ceiling fan. Do yoga naked and see what happens. Play twister in bottoms only. Go on a field trip to the Hustler store and each of you buy one thing you want to try. Read The Joy of Sex or the Kama Sutra. Try one of the poses. Keep it lighthearted and fun. Remember, this is your spouse. If you got married at 30 and live to 90, that is 60 years of sex with that one person. The one person that you love more than anyone else on the planet. The one person that can make your toes curl over and over again. So try something different. If you like it, keep it as part of your sexual repertoire. If not, try something new the next night.

Either way you will keep the marriage bed - and the marriage - happy.

Elevation by Hateration

2011-10-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

This has been a tough week. A lot of things have been coming at me from different areas. First, it was the writing (refer the the previous post). Then it was work. By middle of the day today (Wednesday), I was really thinking, "All right, the gloves are coming off.. it's time to just take it to the street." But then I pumped the brakes.. (Well, actually a good friend has been dropping spiritual nuggets all week reminding me to pump the brakes.) But either way, the brakes were pumped and I had to pause and compose myself. Here's why: I can not prevent darts from being thrown my way but I can control my REACTION.

Let's be honest, you get darts thrown at you just for living. Job 14:1 says "Mortals, born of woman, are of few days and full of trouble." So trouble comes just because you are breathing. But then there is a whole 'nother level of trouble you get when you are trying to live by His purpose! Whoa nelly! The enemy gets real mad then and tries to throw extra haters your way. Even Katt Williams pointed out that haters only hate on the folks who are doing something positive. (Yes, I went from the Word to Katt Williams. You've read my stuff before. You should be used to it! But I digress...)

So the haters were attacking and I had to check myself. Here is what I came up with - first I had to ask myself some questions. Why were the haters getting on my nerves? Did I have on the armor (Ephesians 6:10-18)? And I had to answer honestly, I've been burning the candle at both ends and wasn't prayed up. My armor was in the closet and I was walking around without it.

The next question I had to ask myself was this one: Was there any truth to what they were saying? And the answer was yes - kinda. They have their own perceptions that cloud their view of reality. So in their minds, I had done something that warranted hateration (Thanks MJB for that word!)

Finally, I had to think about my reaction. What would my reaction be? And the answer was to give them a pass. Haters want a reaction. They get their kicks off on getting under your skin. I won't give you the satisfaction. Then I will kill 'em with kindness. Why? It confuses them. Haters don't know what to think when you react in the complete opposite direction of what they think you are going to do. And finally, I'm going to the next level. If you are going to hate, then I might as well make it worth your while. I wouldn't want you to get bored out there hatin'.

So as Bishop Walker - the king of alliteration - would say I'm going to let the hateration be my motivation and stay focused on divine inspiration while I wait on His elevation!

Taking Body Shots

2011-10-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

For the past 72 hours, I've been taking body shots. No, not the type of body shot that involves drinking liquor off some strangers belly. I am talking about the world of boxing and the body shots that come from having hard blows hitting you in the stomach. That is the body shot that I am referencing. Why? Because I decided to share my testimony with a nationwide audience. That's why.

I'm not going to go into a back story here, you can google my name if you want the details or just scroll down on the blog. It's all there for you to read. And actually that is how the problem arose. I decided to share my test and resulting testimony with a large audience. And that made some people very angry and very opinionated.

But opinions are like assholes - everyone has one, right? So it's fine. Disagree with me. I don't mind that. As a journalist (that is my full time gig) people disagree with me all the time. I am used to that. But I must say I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of negative energy that came from my latest autobiographical post on blackloveandmarriage.com. The most negative remarks even went as far as to call me a bad mother. That remark had me ready to "vasoline up" but instead I took a break. But now I am back and read to address it.

Here's the deal: As I said before I'm not the poster child for marriage or infidelity. I in no way condemn anyone for choosing to divorce just like I believe no one should condemn me for making my marriage work. I don't know what God told you to do, just like you don't know how He spoke to me. You can choose to discredit my encounter with God if you'd like. I don't have to convince you of anything. You know why? He wasn't talking to you! He was talking to me. And I listened and stepped out on faith.

I share my story not for elevation or to be put on a pedestal. I share my story because:
1. It helps me heal. Writing helps me process and move forward. Publishing means you get to come along for the ride.
2. To show that God is able to repair a marriage. Even a jacked up looks like it's over marriage.
3. To illustrate that in the midst of trials, you can grow and change for the better. (Damascus anyone?)
4. To show that forgiveness is real. God forgives me daily (actually much more often then that - I'm kinda a hot mess) and I am trying to learn to share that forgiveness with others.
5. To give hope to others. If there is another person out there going through a trying situation and hearing the voice of God in the midst of it, I want to let them know that it's ok to trust that voice REGARDLESS of what everyone says.

That's it. That's why I write and publish. Am I looking for praise? Nope. But I will gladly accept prayer.

So for all the people that disagreed (hated on) my post, sorry that I riled you up. But I am just getting started. Your angst does not change my purpose or my pen. I am trying to live my life His way. All I'm trying to hear Him say at the end of my days is "Well Done."

What a Difference a Year Makes.. Part 2

2011-09-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I wrote about the day my husband's sons were born. I wrote about the range of emotions that I felt and how ill prepared I was to handle those emotions. Today, I am writing about 365 days later. Today is the boys' birthday. Who would have thought that I would be ordering cake for little ones that I now call my sons? But today that's where I am.

I wish I can say the past year has been an amazingly glorious time of reconciliation and growth. While that statement is true, I have to note that for each step we've taken forward, there have also been some pretty big potholes that we've had to overcome.

Like the fiscal aspect. It goes without saying that kids are expensive. When you are pregnant, you get a baby shower with cake, games, and gifts. These gifts help offset the huge financial hit of having a baby. Well, imagine having TWO babies, years after you've given away all of your oldest kids' baby stuff without a shower. From formula to diapers to clothes to cribs, it's been a tough fiscal year.

Then there is the legal hassle. Call me crazy but I thought that since there are 365 days in a year, one parent would get 182 and the other would get 183. In this age of all sorts of blended families this should be easy, right? Ummm, not so much. This has been a painfully slow, nerve racking process that still isn't over.

An unexpected problem has been the interference from family. We've had the oddest people to totally overstep their boundaries and basically act a fool. For the first few months of the twins' lives, they were not allowed to come to our home. Because of that my husband and I had one rule - no extended family should meet the boys until the immediate family meets the boys. Not because we were hiding anything. Not because we were ashamed of anything. But we as a family unit had to come to terms with this first. We were the ones who were going to be here day in and day out. And we deserved a few moments to define ourselves and unify before we had to deal with anyone else. That went out the window when family - family that we thought would be rallying around us - decided to ignore our wishes. And not just once but repeatedly. So some family have been dropped from our "family circle." If you can't respect my husband as head of our household, and abide by the rules we set for all of our children, then you can no longer darken my door. Harsh? Maybe. But I can not concerned about what extended family thinks when I am fighting for the survival of our family unit.

The question I get asked most often is "how do you and the other woman interact?" I guess in this age of Basketball Wives people expect me to continue the drama. And why write if you aren't going to keep it honest? While I wish I could say that I've been all Joyce Meyer-ish, I've gone "Real Housewives" more than a few times. For the longest time I wanted an apology. I wanted her to look me in my face and admit her wrongdoing in the situation. I wanted her to look past her wants and think about the kids and what's best for them. But alas, we aren't there. And honestly we may never be there. I may never like her - ever. But I do have to respect her as a parent and eventually forgive her - not for her sake but for my own. But for now, we rarely cross paths. It's better that we keep it real church-like. You know "let the Lord watch 'tween us whilst we are apart." And that is a good first step.

And finally, I've embraced my title as mom-mom. Is it made up? Yep. But it's mine. In the past year I've learned that I can love God enough to trust him. I've learned that people really can change. I've seen my daughters show such compassion and care for their brothers. I've learned that forgiveness is real. And I've learned that in just 1 year - just 365 days - that my life can be fuller than I ever imagined. I get to live Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

What a Difference a Year Makes..Part 1

2011-09-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

A year ago, the phone rang and I received the phone call that I knew was coming but dreaded nonetheless. My husband called to tell me his mistress was in labor. Of course, I knew this day would come. I mean I’m not slow. I knew she was pregnant with twins and that unless she was hit by a bus, chances were she would deliver one day. But as much as I understood that logically. I did not understand that emotionally. But lo and behold, the phone rang. And with the words, “she’s going to the hospital” I knew that my life was changing although I didn’t know if it was for the better or the worse.

I thought I was ready for this day. I thought I had prepared. Our marriage had reconciled and while it had bumpy moments, we were slowly but steadily moving forward. We had a nursery ready to welcome the new additions to our home. But I wasn’t ready. In my mind, the plan went like this. She’d have kids at the hospital. After they arrived, we would travel to go see the babies in the hospital nursery. We would immediately start paperwork for paternity and visitation. And life would continue. That was my plan. But in reality it went something like this. My husband went to the hospital. I stayed home with our daughters and almost drove myself crazy. Big things were happening. Life changing things were happening. Things that directly affected my life were happening and I could do nothing about it. That drove me crazy! I am a do-er. I plan, I execute, I do. Inaction is never an option for me. But in this instance there was nothing useful that I could do. So I cleaned my house. I hung with my daughters. And then I washed all of the baby clothes that friends had given me.

I washed and gingerly folded clothes for a child that didn’t come from me. With each tiny little hanger that I placed in the closet, I wondered what was going on at the hospital? Would my marriage make it through this situation? Would my daughters see this as a form of weakness or a lesson in faith? Would my husband be able commit to being faithful? How would I feel about the babies? How would my children feel? Will my family ever accept the situation? Am I ready to be a parent to babies again? Will this woman ever understand the enormity of what she’s done? Does she finally get it? Will she use the children as pawns? I asked this and a million other questions as the night progressed.

Throughout the night my husband would call me with updates. I wish that I could say that I handled it well. I wish that I prayed and said loving words of encouragement and understanding. I wish I could say that. But instead I’m going to tell the truth. I cussed him up one side and down another. After dealing with the affair, after learning of the impending births, after preparing the nursery, we hadn’t emotionally and spiritually prepared for this moment. And all the hurt that I thought I was past, came flooding back in that moment because I knew what it was like to have his child. I knew how special that moment was. I knew that in the moment where your child is brought into the world you look at them and want them to have every advantage under the sun. You want their lives to be free from hardships, especially hardships that you helped to create. And for the first time when my husband felt the emotions of holding a child I wouldn’t be there to share in that moment.

The moment he shared with me was later when he sent me pictures of his sons. As I looked at the images I searched for signs of him in their faces. I asked all the required questions, “What are their names? How big are they? Are they healthy?” I had no emotional connection to them. That wouldn’t come until much later. But I had hope - hope that the storms we had already weathered had made us strong enough to survive this tsunami. And I had faith – faith that all the painful lessons that I learned weren’t in vain. Faith that however this story ended that God would see me through.

SuperWoman

2011-09-27T04:25:00.000-07:00

I am a superhero. Not like Clark Kent/Superman or the X-men. And no, I am not delusional like the folks in the movie Kick Ass. I'm a for real bonafide superhero. Don't you see this cape on my back? Really? You can't see it? Hmmm, maybe you need to turn your superhero-vision on. Let me help you.

See I'm a superwoman because I have the ability to transform. I can transform from mom to sex kitten to coworker to community advocate without blinking an eye. And I don't even need a stinking phone booth! That is a superpower, right?

I am a supermom. I can coordinate 4 schedules, attend PTA meetings, make doctor appointments, check homework, email teachers, spank bottoms, give kisses, hem clothes, press hair, and wrap my kids in love everyday. I know you can see the cape now? Right?

I'm a superwoman. I get up with purpose everyday. I've attended grad school, worked 40+hours at one job, and part-time at another. I am actively involved in my community from sorority to community meetings to church to marriage ministry. From pursuing upward mobility at work to word hustling/blogging on the side. And I'm not even cloned! That has to be a superpower!

And let's not forget I am a superwife. I can be a cheerleader for my husband, a place for him to lay his head, a kind word before he faces he day and a kick in the ass when he needs a bit more motivation. I am the one that will always have his back and provide what he needs be it clean laundry, a hot meal, or a willing body. I am the wife that makes him look good! The wife that he is proud to call his. I am a superwife!

I know that cape is visible now! And guess what? I'm not the only superhero walking around. There are lots of women with capes on. So when you see her walking by, give her a smile and a nod. Recognize her "super-ness."

And if you see a sister who's cape is dragging a bit or torn. Stop and give her a hand. Because what good is a superhero if you don't help others?

Fear - How Big Is Your Mountain?

2011-09-23T03:47:00.000-07:00

What are you afraid of? Not spiders and snakes and stuff like that. But what are you really afraid of? This morning I had a conversation about fear with a friend. Friend A could not understand why Friend B was so afraid of something "so small." Friend A went on to say that Friend B's fear was "irrational." But it was funny, Friend A is paralyzed with fear in their own life over a situation that seems totally simple to me. They have their own "irrational" fear. Of Course, Friend A can't see that, but it's true. That's when I realized that the very thing you are afraid of can be a mountain or a molehill and that is totally dependant on your fear of it.

I know that the enemy tries to mess with your perception of your fear. My pastor frequently uses the F.E.A.R. acronym - False Evidence Appearing Real. I also know that quite often your breakthrough, the life you want, your purpose and destiny are only reached by conquering that fear.

So this morning, I'm going to encourage both of my friends and get to work on conquering my own mountains. I declare today that I have too much inside of me to let fear stop me!

New Mantra

2011-09-19T04:14:00.000-07:00

Blackloveandmarriage.com is a website that I visit daily. Not just because they publish my work (although that is a great reason), but because I love their mantra - "Stop playing, start pushing." I also love the name of their company - B Intentional LLC. I love that! Everything you want can be summed up by that mantra. You want to lose weight? Stop playing, start pushing. You want to go back to college? Stop playing, start pushing. You want to write a book? Stop playing, start pushing. And if you want a happy, healthy marriage? Stop playing, start pushing.

This mantra registers with me because it removes the "woe is me" mentality. It removes "the man is holding me down" mindset. It removes the "I can't" thought process. It moves you from someone is holding me back, to I am pushing forward. It firmly puts the ball in your court. And I love it! Having the ball in my court is stressful and a ton of responsibility, but I trust me (and God) with my plans more than any outside force. Don't you?

I know some people who would rather go passively through life, because they believe that it is easier than taking charge. And I partially understand their point. Being the "captain of my ship" means that when my ship runs aground, that it is my fault. That scares some people. Heck, that scares me. It really does. Failure scares me. But while that fear paralyzes some folks, it spurs me forward. I know that if I want bigger and better for my life and my lineage, then I have to be bigger and better everyday.

So I am going to take the Ma'ats' motto and make it my own... well, with a bit of a remix. Stop playing, start pushing, keep praying.

What People Don't Tell You About Marriage

2011-09-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

Forget all the cliches, there are a few things about marriage that married folk don't want you to know. But I am going to lift the veil and show you the truth about marriage.

1. Just because you increase from 1 income to 2 doesn't mean you're balling. Unless you are Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman, chances are the minute you merged incomes you're expenses increased. Why? Because you mistakenly have the mindset of "yea, we can buy it because on paper we make more money." But guess what? It's not so. And don't even think about adding kids to the mix! Tip: Spend the first 3 years of marriage in a 2 bedroom apartment and live off 50-75% of your income and stash the rest in savings. For your first home, buy a duplex. Live in half and rent the other half. Stay there for 2 years. Then buy your dream house and rent out both sides of the duplex. Tada! You've just established generational wealth.

2. There will be times you want to bash your spouses head in. There will literally be days where you will find yourself thinking, "if he/she doesn't shut up talking to me I am going to Ike and Tina his/her ass." At that moment it's best to take a break. Go do something stupid and frivilous. Don't actually knock the shit out of the person no matter how much you think they deserve it. That will get you locked up. So go get your nails done or your hair "did". Do something away from your spouse until you calm down.

3. No one has the power to hurt you like your spouse. When you got married you probably said "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." But what you really said was "I am going to trust you with the innermost part of me. I will share my hopes, dreams, and future with you. All that I am and all that I ever will be is now tied to you. I trust you with me." Pretty weighty stuff, huh? And because you gave yourself to another human being means that one day they will let you down. Why? Sometimes it will be out of malice. Sometimes out of a sheer mistake. Sometimes unwittingly. But because they are a fallible, then 1 day they will make a mistake. That doesn't mean don't give all of yourself to your spouse. But that means that if (when) an infraction occurs, you have to give pause and serious thought to if the damage is irreperable or not. Most infractions can be repaired through serious communication, love, and prayer.

4. Prayer is essential to your marriage. Before I got married I had a passing relationship with God. I mean we were cool. I'd talk to Him at dinner time and when I needed something, but we didn't have a relationship. After I became a mother, all that changed. Now I wanted to be a church goer because I wanted my children to be raised in the church. God and I became closer. And after going through marriage trials I learned that I need God all day, every day. And my marriage and family need God all day every day. Believe me. Trust me. Increase your prayer life before something bad happens. It will save you from a lot of headaches.

5. Sex is important. (Yes, I just went from prayer to sex. It's ok, you're married.) Sex is human touch and it's important. Take it seriously and lightly at the same time. Huh? Taking is seriously means stepping your game up. Why? Let me use an example: I love pizza. But after eating pizza the same way, every day for 10 years. I would probably be fed up with pizza. Are you treating your sex life like the pizza? Same 30 minutes and 2.5 tricks. If so, start stepping your game up. Learn some new tricks. Invest in some lingerie, toys, hotel rooms, and a bit of PDA. Read a book or two on the subject. Keep it hot. Why? Because physical touch is important to rekindling love. But also keep it light. Sex should be fun, not a chore. So try the moves in the Joy of Sex and if you happen to fall of the bed while trying page 36, just laugh it off and jump back on.

6. Priorities change. Sometimes you are activley pursuing your dreams, other times you are sacrificing for your spouse's dreams, and at times you are both working to fulfill your child's wishes. Priorities flucuate. And most of the time you are activily pursuing "D" all of the above. It's exhausting, but necessary. You don't want to ever lose sight of your dreams even if in this moment they are not on the forefront. Keep working on your personal development plan and support your spouse in their development. If not, you will breed resentment.

7. Keep being multifaceted. Don't fall prey to the "I'm a wife/husband now and that's all that I can be." Being a spouse is just 1 of your many titles. If you closed the club down every weekend, then you might not be able to do that anymore, but you could probably swing it once a month. If you played basketball every weekend with the fellas for 5 hours, you really might have to limit it to 2. But keep some sense of who you are. Be multifaceted. As long as your "facets" don't disrespect your marriage, it's ok to be authentically you.

I'm not a Stepmom

2011-09-09T06:40:00.001-07:00

I’m not a stepmom. I consider stepmoms to be women who married a man knowing that he had children from a previous relationship. That term doesn’t define me or my situation. My husband did not have kids with another woman before we were married. My husband had a set of twins with another woman while we were married. (Go ahead and re-read the sentence. I know it’s a lot to digest. Better? Ok, let’s continue...) Here’s the synopsis: My husband had an affair, she became pregnant with twins, we decided to continue on with our marriage, our family dynamic was redefined, praise God for restoration and renewal. I’m not trivializing the hard work that has been put in to get to this point, but this article is not about the past. Like I said, that’s the synopsis. So that brings me back to my original statement: I’m not a stepmom. I didn’t knowingly marry a man with kids therefore the term does not fit me.

So what do I call myself? I’m a mom-mom. Yep, I made that term up. What exactly is a mom-mom? A mom-mom loves you in spite of the conditions surrounding your conception. A mom-mom recognizes that adult mistakes do not define your existence. A mom-mom welcomes you into her home as her child. A mom-mom believes that the mental, physical, and emotional health of all of the children involved is most important. A mom-mom wants generational curses to stop with her. A mom-mom is a woman that every weekend expands her family from 2 kids to 4 without batting an eye. A mom-mom prays. A mom-mom loves. I’m a mom-mom.

Women ask me if it’s hard being a mom-mom. Honestly, the kid part is easy. Being a good mother is something that I pride myself on. So loving two more children was the easy part. The hard part is actually dealing the people that try to negate you as a parent. I anticipated problems with the mistress, because let’s be honest – this is not the Will, Jada, and Sheree show. But when some members of the family – the very people you expect to be in your corner – tried to negate me as a parent, I was angry. Actually, I was livid. But what I had to come to realize, that I had other titles that were much more important to me than being called a “niece.” The titles that matter the most to me are “mom,” “wife”, and now, “mom-mom.”

How to REALLY Love...

2011-08-25T11:08:00.001-07:00

There’s a lot of buzz today about Lil Wayne’s new video, “How to Love.” Most people agree that it is shining a bright light on the several community ills. From domestic violence to molestation to HIV awareness, this video attempts to illustrate them all. Ok, enough of that. Let’s change the channel to another rump-shaking, titillating video.

Let me be clear, I am a Lil Wayne fan. I have Weezy F Baby on the ipod right now. I’m not even anti-rumpshaking. I am a fervent supporter of the 1st Amendment. I believe that GROWN people can listen to and watch whatever music/video/movie they want to watch as long as the people that made the art were consenting adults. That is a pretty liberal view, right? So what possible problem do I have with the “How to Love” video? Actually, let me answer a question with a question: What do you do after you watch the video? Do you go back to business as usual? Or do you change something in your personal life or in your community?

I know you are cringing and thinking, “Neysa! It’s just a video!” But why watch the video? Why post and comment about how important it is to see stories like this if we don’t do anything about it? Instead of just seeing great art about a tragic situation, I would rather work so the illustration is no longer needed. Doesn’t that make more sense? How many more "conscious" videos or movies are we going to watch? We turn to BET/MTV/Youtube or go to the nearest movie theater and watch the same storyline over and over again. Remember 2Pac’s “Brenda’s Got a Baby?” Or Eve’s “Love is Blind?” Luda’s “Runaway Love?” What about Precious? What about anything by Tyler Perry? I know you’ve seen at least one of these. So I got it. I understand the facts. Fact 1: Our daughters are being stalked by predators. Fact 2: Our sons are dying trying to define their manhood. But do you understand Fact 3: It’s our fault.

I know, I know. No one likes to have the finger pointed at them, but we can’t expect children to fend for themselves; can we? Nope. We are charged with not only providing for them, but for protecting them. We are supposed to position them to fulfill their potential. That is our job. And to be honest, lots of folks are falling down on the job. If you notice I didn’t say lots of parents, I said lots of folks. We are all stakeholders in our community. We all have to be better.
So, what are you to do? How can you be better?

Parents:
Read to your child.
Do not practice or participate in behavior that you don’t want your child to follow.
Attend an academic school function.
Know your child’s friends.
Establish boundaries.
Get your child involved in some extra-curricular activity.
Talk to your child.
Kiss and hug your child.
Don’t trust everyone with your child. Just because so-&-So is cool, does not mean they are a qualified sitter.
If your child confides in you, believe them and fight for them.
Pray for your child and with your child.

Community (This includes parents too. Yep, you have double the work.):
Mentor a child.
Speak at a youth event.
Share your story as a cautionary tale.
Be an advocate for a family member that is not parenting well.
Attend your lil’ cousins school event if their parent can’t attend.
Give to organizations that provide tutoring or scholarships.
Speak to kids you see out during your daily life.
Praise good behavior.
Pray for the community.

Here is a list of organizations that would be happy to have your time and donations:
YMCA Black Achievers
Big Brother/Big Sisters
Black Girls Rock
Girl Scouts
Boy Scouts
Boys and Girls Club

Now you have the action steps. So go ahead, watch the video. Download it to the ipod. And turn the volume way up as you head out the door to DO SOMETHING to fix the problem.

God is AMAZING!

2011-08-25T05:30:00.000-07:00

God is amazing! Sometimes all you can do is just say "Thank you." He gives you exactly what you need to keep on, keeping on. Things that I couldn't even articulate in prayer or know to even ask for. He delivers over and over again. So many people have said, "Let Him work. Let His will be done. Because what He has planned for you is so much bigger than anything you could plan for yourself." That is so true!

So "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" is all I feel this morning.

Will and Jada: Say it aint so

2011-08-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

By now you’ve heard the reports, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are getting separated. I am amazed at the number of tweets and facebook postings that have been dedicated to this couple. Statements ranging from “Pray for the Smiths” to “Oh NO say it ain’t so!” have populated my twitter feed this morning. Here is my question for everyone that is looking at the Smiths, have you prayed for your own marriage lately? What about the state of all marriages? Why do the Smiths garner your special prayers?

I understand that they are the King and Queen of black Hollywood. I get it. What I also see is that they were an example of everything we aspire to be – smart, beautiful, talented, rich, and in love. But I also see that while we are so worried about the Smiths have we worked on being smart, beautiful, talented, rich, and in love in our own lives. It is so much easier to live vicariously through someone else than to put in the work to make it happen in your own life.
The Smiths were our ideal. Just like the Obamas. But while we are putting people and couples on pedestals, we must stop to remember that 1. They are human, and 2. They owe us nothing. We made them the black family ideal. In reality, they are just 2 people trying to make a marriage work. It’s hard enough stay married without the public glare, but can you imagine it when a whole community has their hopes and dreams placed upon your shoulders?

If we are to learn anything from this separation, maybe it’s to stop and appreciate your own relationship. Go home tonight and hold your spouse’s hand. Kiss them a bit deeper tonight. Pray a bit harder for God’s covering upon not just your family but all families. Maybe tonight is the night to let the argument go. Maybe right now is the time to reaffirm your commitment to your own covenant. Maybe that is the lesson that we are to learn from Will and Jada.

Can't We All Just Get Along

2011-08-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

In 2003 a friend posed this question: Why is there no united front of Black people tackling the issues in our community?

This was my answer:

We get caught up in...
-the too many chiefs and not enough indians syndrome,
-the I've been on the battlefield for a long time and this person just came out the blue syndrome,
-the let me speak just to be heard even though I am adding nothing to the conversation syndrome,
-the I knew that person from the past and they weren't about shit then so why should I think they are about something now syndrome,
-the I want to be the star syndrome,
-the revolution is the only way and those that try to work through the system for change are Uncle Toms trying to get ahead syndrome,
-the I am trying to work through the system as a sleeper cell, insteadof announcing my attack by talking about the revolution syndrome,
-the I have a deep knowledge of Africana studies and those that don't have no basis from which to work syndrome,
-the I work in the factory form 9-5 and don't need no college educated negro telling me about racism because I am in the real world syndrome,
-the I'm going to hustle and make this paper because "charlie" ain't going to let me succeed anyway syndrome,
-the how can you worshipd a God that hasn't ever responded to your pleas and was given to you by the white man syndrome,
-the Jesus has brought us this far and anyone that doesn't believe it is going to mess up the cause and burn in hell syndrome,
-the we only want the men because women should be seen and not heard syndrome,
-the my baby daddy aint about nothing so why should I listen to to him syndrome,
-the we only want the straight syndrome...

Need I go on? I wish I could say that since I wrote most of that in 2003, that things have changed. But... well.. let's just say we still have work to do. And seriously, it is past time to be about the business at hand. You don't have to agree on everything. Start working on your home, your family. Then expand that to working on your street, and your cousin that needs a bit of help. Then expand a little bit more. There's plenty to do. And honestly, I'm more than happy to have some help.

Tavis, Cornell, and the President

2011-08-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

It's been in the news alot lately about the rift between Tavis Smiley/Cornell West and President Obama. If you've been under a rock, here is a nice little recap: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/post/smiley-allergic-to-my-poverty-tour-reaction/2011/03/04/gIQAziPwJJ_blog.html. Did you read it? Ok, let's move on.

Now there are some camps of black folks that think, "You can't say anything bad about my president." Then there is another camp that says, "The President has forgotten about black(or poor) people and should be held accountable for that." And my problem is with both sides of the aisle. Why? President Obama is a man - not, Jesus Christ. President Obama is a politician. That being said he has knowingly opened his life up to being scrutinized and critiqued. But I think it is ridiculous the amount of personal attacks that this President has had to endure. No other president has been disrespected to the extent that he has. From the floor of congress, to attacks on his birthplace (Hello, Hawaii is a state people!), to the fact that the White House has received more threats than ever; this president has been attacke on every side and that is a sad reflection on our country.

But just because the President is a black man, does not mean that every black man has to support him. You can be proud of Obama's accomplishments but totally dislike his policies. That, my friends, is valid. Just make sure when you are talking about policies that you politically disagree with, that it is only about the policy. Don't let emotion and personal feelings get in the way. Unfortuneatly, I believe that both West and Smiley have let ego and emotion get in the way.

And that is where I have a problem. Over the years, West and Smiley have both been of great service to all underserved people. But when Obama came on the scene, many of the "talented tenth" felt that he didn't pay enough of dues. He didn't grovel at the feet of the people that have gone before them. And to be honest, he doesn't have to. The President acknowledges the shoulders on which he stands quite frequently. That doesn't mean that he has to kiss the ass attached to those shoulders.

For West to state that he wasn't acknowledged for all that he did to help the President campaign is ludicrous. My mother and her friends walked door to door campaigning for the President. I am sure in sweat equity she spent more time working on the campaing than West ever did. And so what? She did it because she wanted to see him elected President. And on that night in November, she got her "thank you." She never expected a free night in the Lincoln bedroom, and neither should West.

As for Tavis, I know you are still mad about the alledge snub during the "State of the Black Union." But it is really time to let that go. The President has to be the leader of the free world - not just the Black free world. Haven't we had enough presidents that forget everyone except their friends? Do we really need to pull up Halliburton files to remind you of what happens when only the incrowd gets taken care of? Don't we want any president but especially OUR president to be better than that? I know I do.

And let us not forget the political games that are being played here. Yes, I know that times are hard right now. We can't wait for change. But please understand that this situation wasn't created in 2 years and it will not be fixed in 2 years. To tell the truth it won't be fixed in the first 4 years. Look at previous presidents. Most spend the first term making small changes and getting re-elected. They spend the 2nd term fulfilling their campaign promises - or at least trying to.

So Brother Smiley and Elder West, I need you to understand that and try a little harder too. Try to listen more and talk less. Try to remember that just 50 years ago the thought of having a black man in the People's House was a joke. Try to remember that while we may forever disagree politically, that the President's success or failure reflects on us all - even you.

6 Months.. Well, How About 5?

2011-08-08T05:47:00.000-07:00

I said I would go away for 6 months. Wellllll, how about 5? Yep, I'm back and ready to write. So if you are still ready to read/comment/share, let's jump in..

My most recent work was just published on blackloveandmarriage.com. Ha! My last post on this site was the Prayer of Jabez. In my private talks with God, I asked for Him to open the doors that He wants me to walk through and open them wide so I would have no question about His will. God kicked it open and gave me my pen back! Who would have thought that this blog would have a HUGE audience?! That is such a blessing. Heck, let's be honest. After reading the past 2 years of blogs, who would have thought that a marriage site would feature my work? But to GOD be the Glory! What the enemy tries to set up for your demise, GOD will use to elevate you! I know that you feel me!

So for my old followers, "Nice to see you again. I've missed you." And for the new ones, "I hope you stay around a while. Click through some old posts. See where I've been. It will give you a good sense of where I am headed."

My Prayer for Today

2011-07-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

1 Chronicles 4:10
Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.

This is my prayer for today. Please, God, enlarge my territory AND keep me safe from harm. I am not going to lie or try to say that the larger territory wouldn't be a blessing when YOU and i both know that it would. But I will say that I will be a good steward of the blessing and will use it to honor YOU.

Also, please keep me free from harm. "Let no weapon formed against me" prosper. Keep all enemies at bay and deal with them as YOU see fit.

Finally, if You choose to keep my territory the same (or smaller) and if You choose to let me be harmed because it's in my best interest for my development, please do not remove Your hand from me. Stay with me through everything.. good and bad, hi's and low's. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. Amen!

6 Month Break

2011-03-31T11:09:00.000-07:00

well, it's time for me to take a break. I know, I know, my loyal readers will be so disappointed. But it is time to take it to the next level. There's a big - huge, really - thing on the horizon and I need to focus all of the strength of my pen on that project. That doesn't mean that I won't post stuff here from time to time. Believe me, I will. I wouldn't leave you just high and dry. And when you see the next step, you will understand that it was well worth the wait. So 9-30-11 is the date. Put it on your calendar. Believe me, you don't want to miss it.

Stop the Insanity

2011-03-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when there used to be an infomercial where a little spiky-haired blonde woman would scream "stop the insanity?" That is really how I feel today. I want to just holler at folks today - "WTF? Are you serious?" So what am I hollering about today? Injustices. Blatant unfairness. The mixup of morals in our society. Let me just state it plainly: I am tired of folks who act a fool being lauded and rewarded for their foolishness. Like for real. (I know, I know, not the most high-brow writing. Sorry.) But honestly, I know I should not look to earthly rewards. That I should "hope for things eternal" but right now, right here in the natural.. I'm about tired of the foolishness. Especially the transparent foolishness. People are taking my kindness for weakness. Big mistake. Big. Huge. And I am trying to stay "on the up" (as my mama would say) but sometimes I really want to put the robe of salvation on the shelf for about 2 hours to really handle my business. I believe in revenge. I really, really do. And I am not sneaky with it. I am the person that will get revenge to your face. Why? Because I want you to know it was me. I want to see your face when everything you hoped for crumbles. Kinda sick, huh? Maybe. But I am honest. But.. I won't take the robe off today. Not because folks don't deserve it. They really do. But since I am a constant recipient of HIS grace and mercy, I am going to extend the same.

So let's turn up the Lauryn Hill and calm down. Pray and keep my eyes on eternal gains.

So Blessed

2011-03-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

Time for a praise break. This isn't a high-brow piece. This is a praise break. I am so abundantly blessed. Like have you ever paused and thought, "wow! I am really blessed way more than I deserve"? I feel that way today.

Here's why:
1. I serve an awesome God who uses my pastor to illuminate His Word and speak right into my life.
2. I have an amazing family. So much so that they get the next few lines devoted to them. I have a wonderful mother. We may disagree and at times butt heads, but my mama will go to war for me anyday. Not every child can say that, but I can. My mama will battle you in the spiritual or the natural for her baby (that's me!). Please don't try her! I wouldn't want you to get hurt. I also have great inlaws. Everyone jokes about how their inlaws suck, but mine are great! They are supportive and loving and willing to fly in at a moments notice to help us if needed. I can count on 1 hand the number of times we've argued. That is a blessing. But guess what? I am not finished. My extended family rocks. From hand me downs, to prayers, to phone calls to check on me, to long talks - they truly have my back. Some families can't have a family dinner because fights break out and what not, but that is not us. If we aren't having dinner together, then somethings wrong. We genuinely like each other.

Now let me go inside my house: my daughters are the funniest, most beautiful, smartest girls in all the world. (and that is not biased at all.) But my daughters have weathered some pretty big storms in recent years. They went through them with grace and prayer, long talks and tears. But they are resilient and 2 of my favorite little people. My other two favorite people are new additions to the list. The boys are funny and are full of personality. It is truly interesting to watch the boys discover new things, smile at me, make some very interesting smells, and just be a constant reminder of God's grace. Finally, my husband - i love seeing walking testimonies. Obviously, i love him, but his love for me is unbreakable. (cue alicia keys' song right here!)

3. I am blessed that the earth didn't move and destroy my home. I am blessed that I have a home to come home to.

I love how I may not have all that I want, but God has been good to me. Like the song says: "all of my good days outweigh my bad days, and I won't complain."

Always on Time

2011-03-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

I didn't write the piece that I am referring you to today. I don't know the woman that wrote it. But God is in it. And I hope it blesses you, too.

http://fullcomplexity.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-hated-you-but-god.html

Help me to understand - Part 1

2011-02-19T15:18:00.000-08:00

This week there are 2 things that have gotten under my skin: 1. The Wisconsin teacher situation and 2. the Remote Area Medical clinic in Nashville. Both are HUGE problems that if we solved them, the positive results would ripple through our communities and change the world. Why? Because many folks in power forget that you are judge not on how you treat the privileged. You are judged on how you treat the least of your society. How do you treat your young and your elderly? How do you treat your mentally challenged? How do you treat your poor? And let's be honest, America sucks in these categories.

So since I declare myself 4th in command today (I have to defer to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I don't think I am all that!) let me tell you what I think about the two core issues: education and health.

Let's start with education. Stop throwing money at the problem. Do a six-month freeze on everything. And then implement this simple plan in August:

1. Give kids a comprehensive grade level test on Monday of the first full week of school. Give them the same test at the end of the year. Use this to gauge how well your teacher is doing. This way the test is based only on how much the kids learned while in their class.

2. Throw out the contracts with food vendors for the schools. Hire new kitchen staff that actually can cook in bulk, not just heat (nuke) nuggets. Partner with local farmers and get local produce and food. Serve kids fresh, organic food.

3. Require that every parent volunteer 4 hours/year or else pay tuition. If you have multiple kids, you are only required to do 4 hours total. Of course there are waivers for special circumstances.

4. Fail kids. Yep, I said it. Fail kids. Kids go to school 6 hours a day for 9 months. If they fall behind they should have tutoring available after school for free. If they do not take advantage of those two free opportunities and continue to get bad grades, then they fail. Period. No - 5th, 6th chances. They repeat the grade and parents are required to meet with the teacher monthly until the grades are passing.

5. Class size of 15 for kindergarten - 2nd grade, 20 kids for 3rd-5th, 25 for 6th-8th, and 30 for 9th - 12th.

6. Kids learn a foreign language beginning in Kindergarten and stick with it through 5th grade minimum.

7. No more magnet schools but more trade schools. Let each school have an advanced program tract for gifted students that is open to all students based on ability not lottery. Let students beginning in 10th grade opt to attend a half-day at a trade school to learn a skill.

8. And finally commit to a program for at least 5 years so that we have ample time to see if the program is working before we scrap it. There is a lot of mess that we have to fix and it will not be fixed overnight. It took years to get us into the mess, and we can't microwave ourselves out of it. (I bet Obama feels the same way about the state of the nation!)

Is that enough for you? I know. I should run for school board. But really, we have research on what works in schools but consistently chase our tails and not solve the problems.

Now onto medicine... Well, maybe I will solve that one tomorrow.

I love the Lord

2011-02-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

"I love the Lord, He heard my cry. And pitied every groan. Long as I live, and troubles rise, I hasten to His throne" You're singing along now, aren't you? Now stop singing and actually say the words..

"I love the Lord." I really love the Lord. Not because of the next line, but I love Him because He is God. Yes, I get impatient. Yes, I don't always act right. Yes, things don't always go my way. But I love Him - everyday!

"He heard my cry." Let's be honest, He's God. He really doesn't have to come down and deal with me and my mess but He does because He loves me back. He listens to me. He corrects me. He loves me inspite of my mess and responds to my cry. Not because I am special but because I am His.

"And pitied every groan.." Every groan. You know we complain alot. Humans complain from not winning a race, to the red light staying red too long. We are a whiny bunch. (Notice I said "we.") But He takes the time to listen to every complaint. Now He could really say "well looky here.. you got yourself in a pickle, didn't you? Now you knew good and well that what you were doing was wrong but you had to do it anyway, didn't you? Ummm hmmmm. I left you the Bible to guide you and you were too busy reading Essence or Facebook to crack open the book to see which way to go.. and now you wanna call on Me to fix it. I should let you go to hell, shouldn't I? Maybe then you'll believe that fire burns." That's the message that I should have gotten many times, but did He say it? Nope.

"Long as I live and troubles rise.." Job 14:1 says "Mortals, born of woman, are of few days and full of trouble." Trouble happens. Satan attacks. You mess up. Things happen. But the next line offers a course of action..

"I hasten to His throne." We have a place where we can seek refuge. Where we can go and get our minds right. Let's be real. Where ever your mind is, that's where your attitude is and normally your behind is too. If bad things are happening and you are counting "it all joy" then you are going to have a great attitude and find a way tomake it through. But if you start thinking "woe is me", your attitude is going to sink, then your behind will be in more trouble.

This morning I had to hasten to His throne. I was running behind on someplace I needed to be, and when I got there I had to spend a little time alone. Me and my ipod and .... well, wait. It was me and God. So I wasn't alone. And that is yet another reason why I love the Lord.

Dialogue With My Readers

2011-02-03T14:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my faithful readers get a bit perturbed about the things that I write here. It's understandable. I try to be honest in my writing and it isn't always pretty. Sometimes the light is shining on myself or my own missteps. Other times the light is turned outward and folks are blinded by it. That's something I won't apologize for. Period.

Recently, a major point of contention is how what I write here isn't directly conveyed in my face to face dealings. Example: if I know someone is a drunk and write about dealing with demons and snares here. That doesn't mean when I see them out I would hollar "Hey Drunk!" That doesn't make sense, does it? Yes, I try to be respectful in public. Shouldn't I be? I write about my observations/life/musings so that lots of people can benefit from the observation. Honestly, when I write about the metaphorical drunk, normally it's not for the drunk's sake. It's a cautionary tale for others. It's a "beware because that way leads do spiritual death" tome. While I wish I can help the drunk and give them 12 steps, that isn't for me to do. See,Jesus saves, not me. All I can do is shine a light and hope that myself and others can read the signs and stay on the path. The drunk may never regret taking a drink. But I can pray that they repent and turn their life around.

My words may never have an impact, and that's ok. That means that I am not writing for you (but thank you for reading). Maybe my words are just little seeds that will bear fruit later when watered with His Word.

Refresher Course (in Journalism)

2011-01-26T15:51:00.000-08:00

In honor of President Obama's State of the Union address and because I've had such a wonderful day I thought I would share some of my favorite passages on speech and the free exercise thereof:

Let's start with the First Amendment:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."

As every journalist knows, the First Amendment is not a get out of jail free card. According to the Tennessee Injury Law Center, there is a such thing as defamation. Actually, 2 kinds of defamation - libel and slander. Basically, libel is if you write something that is untue and results in injury to a person's reputation or character. Slander is when you speak something untrue that results in injury to a person's reputation or character. According to the Center, libel and slander do "not occur just because the statement is annoying, offensive, or embarrassing to a person."

This is the first tenent of journalism. It is the very first thing that you learn. It's funny how in the course of my job people that we do stories on forget this. Do I empathize that there are situations that some people would rather remain hidden? Who wants to see their lives played out on the 5pm news or the internet? But sometimes speaking the truth - exposing your (or my own)ills to the public - can keep others from going down the same path. Or it could right a wrong. And that's important.

In Proverbs 18:21 it states:
20 From the fruit of their mouth a person’s stomach is filled;
with the harvest of their lips they are satisfied.

21 The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Or how about Proverbs 10:7-11,
7 The name of the righteous is used in blessings,[b]
but the name of the wicked will rot.

8 The wise in heart accept commands,
but a chattering fool comes to ruin.

9 Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,
but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.

10 Whoever winks maliciously causes grief,
and a chattering fool comes to ruin.

11 The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life,
but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.

I really believe that journalism is a noble profession. TMZ - well, that's another blog all together. But I love my job. I love what I do. And speaking truth is what I am good at - even when I speak it about myself and my misdeeds. But like the saying goes: "The pen is mightier than the sword."

I'm Calling Roll.. well, maybe not

2011-01-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

Remember when you were in school and the teacher called your name. And you raised your hand and said "here!" or "Present!" Remember that? Well, today I am calling roll. I think too often we cover for people and let stuff slide. We call fat kids "chunky." Or tell bad children they have "anger management issues." We don't call stuff by name. So today I am going to call folks by name. Ready?

Well, maybe I won't call you by name. But I will say this: you reap what you sow. You may not believe it. You may not want to listen to a word I say, but believe me... you reap what you sow. I understand. Haters are going to hate. Everyone isn't going to be happy for you. Some folks - especially those that had a vested interest in the negativity - are not going to cheer for your growth/victory/development. And that's ok. I understand.

I am constantly amazed by some people. The people who hate on you actually are the very people that should thank God every day for your deliverance. If they only knew! A few years ago, this would be a whole different blog.. probably a "Tales from Riverbend Prison" Blog. But God had to deal with me. He had to deal with my temper. He had to really sit me down and say, "I got it. You just keep on moving forward." And that is what I try to do - most days. I have to be honest here, right? Right. When stupid people try to come at me, I admit sometimes I want to just go Kanye/Jay-Z on them- straight "H.A.M." But I don't. I pull back - not because I can't, not because they don't deserve it, not even because I don't feel like it. I pull back because for me the real show of control, strength, power, and growth is not how many people I can make cry, but how many I can leave to grow along their own road to Damascus. And while they are hating on me; I am praying for them. I am blessing them. I am doing more for them than they will ever know. And while they should be appreciative, it's ok. This isn't for my glory, or even for theirs, but for His.

It's something that every winner must face when a prize is fairly won. It's looking the loser in the face after you've been declared the winner. Think about it. You see the anger/regret/disappointment that is etched across their brow, and while you feel sorry for them, there's nothing you can do. The better person won.

I can appreciate the loser who takes her loss like a woman. Who understands her missteps and goes back to training camp and learns from the loss? What I can't understand is the sore loser. The hateful loser. The loser who tries to call the ref's and make them review tape. You know the ones who threaten, cry, blackmail and plead but still come up empty. A little advice. Be upset over the loss but then take your "L" like a grown up. Go back to training camp and watch your play tape. Get a good coach. And study up on the playbook. Check out Proverbs 31:10-31. Or how about Proverbs 6:26-29. And please end with John 8:1-11. Actually, this is my favorite one.. that last line: "Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Back to the Basics

2011-01-14T12:12:00.000-08:00

I love ballet. Well, honestly, I love most forms of dancing. But I really love ballet and modern dance. You know about the Alvin Ailey Dancers, don't you? The beautiful music, the grace of their limbs, the way their bodies tell a story so completely, are all reasons I love dance. Dancers take the stage and deliver a wonderful performance. But no matter how beautiful the performance, every dancer worth their salt attends a barre class from time to time. For those of you that aren't dancers, a barre class is a class of ballet basics. And the basics don't change. A plie is a plie. But every good dancer goes back to the barre to perfect their form. Why? Because your form changes after months of dancing. You begin to take on the habits that you repeat daily. From the way a certain choreographer wants you to move to the aches and pains of your body - all contribute to changing your form. So great dancers always return home to the barre.

My husband reminded me of that today. I need to go back to the spiritual barre. Because right now I am pretty beat up and worn from dancing on too many stages and listening to to many choreographers. I am worn out. I need to go back to the barre and get my own beat back in my head. The beat the Holy Spirit gave to me and me alone. Only then can I dance all night.

2011: Fresh Slate (The Study Guide)

2011-01-01T12:36:00.001-08:00

Here are a few tools to help you stay focused for 2011:

When the enemy is telling you that you are never going to make it, refer them to:
Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Or when you are overwhelmed and ready to quit, try:
Acts 20:24
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

What about when you start to question if the vision God's given to you will come to pass?
Psalm 145:13
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does.

Or when you are backed into a corner and see no way out?
Psalm 3:7-8
7 Arise, LORD!
Deliver me, my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.

8 From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people.

What about when you don't know which way to go?
2 Corinthians 5:7 7 For we live by faith, not by sight.

How about when you are just fed up and ready to snap off on folks? (yeah, that one was real personal!)
1 Corinthians 13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Or when that person that is sooo fine but means you no good calls at 11:35pm and wants to come over and talk...
1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

And for me, when I spend more time talking about God than talking to God:
1 Corinthians 9:27 No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

2011: Fresh Slate

2011-01-01T11:57:00.000-08:00

I was in a small church in another county a few weeks ago. The pastor there was amazing and delivered a Word tailor made for my life. The subject was "I ain't letting my enemy in my 2011." Yep. I know. That's not grammatically correct. But it was the Word that I needed to hear. God really thumped me upside the head and said, "Hey you! I am talking to you!"

Then last night at my church's Watch Night service, my own pastor confirmed the message. When he stepped into the pulpit, the first words he said were, "You can't carry last year into 2011." There are some things that need to be left behind in 2010. And you know me. I am organized. I have a full list with the enemy's first and last names, events, feelings, etc. And it all needs to be left behind. Period.

That doesn't mean that your enemy got the memo. Knowing how the enemy works, I bet they DIDN'T get the memo. But what matters is, I did. I heard God loud and clear. Now let's be honest. The enemy may try to walk into your new year, but so what. The fact that you are different is what matters. And let's be honest, it's your reaction to the enemy that determines whether or not you allow them into your new year.

So, cue the song. You know it. "Nah-nah, nah, nah, nah-nah, nah, nah.. goodbye." The enemy can kick and scream outside my door but it's staying outside my door.

Goodbye, enemy. Hello, restoration. Hello, rebuilding. Hello, 2011.